July 23

This month is practically over and I've blogged 0 times about this month's 7 challenge.

Here's the naked truth:  I feel lazy.

I actually don't even want to write this blog post because I don't feel like explaining this month's challenge.  So, if you were looking for a fun, wordy post...look elsewhere.

This month was supposed to be focused on green living.  

Jen Hatmaker focused on these 7 habits for her 5th month:

Gardening

Composting

Conserving energy and water

Recycling

Driving only one car (what?!?!)

Shopping thrift and second hand

Buying only local

I do a lot of these things already but there is certainly room for improvement.  However, I apparently didn't feel like improving this month.  I am trying to decide if I should just say I took this month off and start the green challenge in August or just skip it all together.  Because I'm lazy.

Let's talk about gardening. 

 I am SO over it.  Yesterday a friend asked me if I was getting a lot out of my garden and I replied, "Not really, I didn't plant much this year.  And as far as I'm concerned what I did plant can just rot out there.  I'm sick of it."  

Except I still love looking at my plate of food and realizing that so much of it came out of the dirt I own.

I want the reward without the effort.  There's probably a spiritual truth in there.  I'll think about it later.

Composting:  We have a pile of food junk on the ground at the edge of our tree line.  It's not really a compost pile because we don't do it right.  It doesn't turn into wonderful dirt.  It just lays there like the pile of rot it is.

Conserving energy and water:  The energy part we are pretty good at.  We hardly use our air conditioning (because I like the windows open, not because I love the earth), we turn off lights in rooms we aren't using, we even turn off our hot water heater for most of the day.  But it's because we are cheap, not because we are environmentalists.  Then there is the water part.  Don't mess with my long hot shower.  The end.

Recycling:  We do the basics.  There is more we could do but I again present the evidence of laziness.

Driving only one car:  We can't do this because I have more excuses.  Excuse #1:  Larry is unwilling to ride his bike to work at 3:30am.  Excuse #2:  I am unwilling to ride bike anywhere with 4 kids and I'm surely not going to stay at home with the little monsters all day, every day until Larry gets home.  Judge me however you will.

Shopping thrift and second hand:  I am good at this.  Again, because of being cheap.

Buying only local:  I'm going to guess that half my purchases are made locally.  I should keep track so I know for sure, it would probably be eye-opening.  In my half-hearted (quarter-hearted?) attempt at this month, I've only been to Wal-Mart one time.  Save your applause for later, please.

So there you have it, the raw and gritty of this month.

I'm thinking I should start over again in August and put my heart into this month.  I really do think making an effort to be more green is important.  God created the world and all it's beauty for us, for me.  How can I be so cavalier about this amazing gift?

Jesus and Cake

Last week I blogged about heartache.  I cried the whole time I wrote it.  Crying is not one of my favorite things to do.  But I'm glad I did it.  From the comments and messages and conversations I've had since then, it sounds like my words resonated with a lot of people.  Because pain is universal.

Which brings me to Jesus and cake.

I know, I know.  My brain is like a tornado, all kinds of weird stuff whipping around together.  I'll try to make it make sense.

This week I baked a lovely chocolate layer cake.  It smelled so good while it was baking.  It rose beautifully and looked amazing in the pans.  I let it sit on the counter for 10 minutes to cool and then turned my pans upside down.  It then became apparent that I had made a mistake.  I had greased the pans but forgot to flour them.  My beautiful cakes came out with ragged and torn edges.

Sigh.

But no matter, they were going to get stacked on top of each other and icinged (side note:  spell check is telling me that "icinged" is not a word.  But you know what I mean, right?  I guess "frosted" would be more appropriate but I don't say "frosted" I say "icinged").  Nobody would even see the ragged and torn edges.

I then set about using the skills I learned at Pellman's to cover my chocolate cake with chocolate icing.  Because we all know that is the only kind of cake worth eating.  Unless it's chocolate cake with caramel icing.  Or mocha icing.  Or mint.  Let's not even pretend that white on white is a thing.  Because it shouldn't be.

Yeah, except I should have frozen my cake before icing it.  

Fresh cake + icing stiff enough to stay on the cake =

Oh, my heart.  

All my hard work, wreaked.  Shredded.  Destroyed.  Pulled apart.

Then I had an idea.  This cake is not very presentable but I knew a deeper truth:  it was still delicious.  So I turned it into this:

We now have a very fancy dessert called a trifle.  It still has layers like the original cake was going to have, they just look different.  It still is deliciously chocolaty.  Even more so with the addition of chocolate pudding (seriously, you can NEVER overdo the chocolate).  While the first intention for the cake was to serve 8 people, this trifle served 14 and there is still more waiting in the fridge.  This cake didn't turn out the way I thought it would.  It turned out...better.  All because of brokenness.

As I thought about this, Jesus whispered that there is a life lesson in the story of this cake.

Say what, Jesus?  You want to teach me about life with chocolate cake?  Anytime!  I'm all ears.

I think by now you know where I'm going with this.  Life is bumpy and sometimes filled with huge potholes and man-eating alligators.  There are days and weeks and months and even seasons where things aren't going the way we pictured.

The edges get ragged and torn.  Our hard work gets wreaked, shredded, destroyed, pulled apart.  Our hearts aren't very presentable.  But here's the deeper truth:  we are still of infinite value.

We still have our gifts, but maybe the way we will use them will look different then we originally thought.  We are still valuable, maybe even more so because of the trial we have walked thru.  While our first intention was to serve 8 people, we now get to serve 14+.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we think it will.  Sometimes it turns out...better.  All because of brokenness.

Ouch

Lately I've been thinking about pain a lot.  Not the ow-I-stubbed-my-toe-and-now-I-want-to-swear pain but emotional pain.

I am, admittedly, mostly untried in this area.  

I've never known the pain of parents divorcing (way to go, Mom and Dad!  34 years and going strong).

I've never known the pain of a boyfriend breaking up with me.

I've never known the pain of losing a loved one to an early unexpected death.

Well, that last one is not entirely true.

The worst emotional pain I've ever experienced was when I miscarried my first baby.  Close to Mother's day.  I'm not going to down play it, it was terrible.  This little person that I never got to hold in my arms, gone.  11 years later I am sitting here crying as I think about it.

But your pain is different than mine.  Perhaps you've never had a miscarriage but you've had other pain.

Divorce.

Infertility.

Break ups.

Losing loved ones.

Financial hardship.

Losing your job.

Cancer.

Abuse.

Sometimes life just straight up sucks.  And we're left holding the broken pieces of our dreams and wondering why and hoping that we will feel happiness again...someday.

And where is God in all of this?  

That's a question I wrestle with whenever I am brought to tears by someone else's pain.

Jesus, can't you just make it all better?

There is one thing I know for sure:  God is able to handle all of our emotions.  All you have to do is read the Psalms to know that God wants the real you.  From your joy to your despair, talk to Him about it.

"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting.  Let all the people say, "Amen!"  Praise the Lord."  ~Psalm 106:48

"The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.  So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed."  ~Psalm 143:3-4

If God didn't want to hear about it when you are in pain then I don't think he would have included verses like Psalm 143:3-4.  Maybe you don't feel you can talk about it with anyone else (altho I would encourage you to try!) but you can be raw and honest with God.

In the New Testament we read about Jesus weeping when his friend Lazarus died.  Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead and yet he still wept when he was told of Lazarus' death.  That blows my mind.   But maybe it shouldn't.  God is the creator of our emotions.  Shouldn't he be able to deeply feel the same things we do?

Ok, that just really blew my mind.

Maybe, just maybe, when I cry, Jesus cries.

If I have the gift of compassion and cry with other people when they hurt than doesn't it follow that the Author of compassion would cry with me when I hurt?

This is getting long and it's getting late and I don't want to get rambley.  

I think what I'm trying to say is this:  sometimes life is hard.  Don't be afraid to rawly tell God exactly how you feel, he knows anyway.  You can't fool him.  And don't be surprised when Jesus cries with you.  He loves you so much.  Trust him with your heart, he's the only one who can heal it.

Rest

I'm taking a trip down memory lane today, will you come with me?

Seven years ago my brother graduated from LBC.  I can see the photo of our family in my minds eye, unfortunately I can't find it online to share with you.  Someone (probably my mother-in-law) was babysitting my 3 year old daughter and my almost 2 year old son.  We had our 2 month old baby along.

I remember very little of the graduation ceremony except someone sang one of my favorite songs, "In Christ Alone", and someone else mentioned this verse in their speech:  "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:  "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."  ~ Isaiah 30:15

Maybe it was because I had just given birth to my 3rd baby in three years but the word "rest" hit me square in the face.  What in the world was that elusive 4 letter word and how do I get some of it?  I'm pretty sure I cried right then and there.

I was t.i.r.e.d. 

I don't remember how the speaker tied the verse to his speech.  And I don't know the context of this verse besides that the Lord is speaking to his rebellious child, Israel.  All I remember is the Spirit whispering the word "rest" to my soul.

I may have snorted.  When you have 3 babies there is little time for rest.  Not even at night.  I don't remember much from those years, they are somewhat of a blur.  But I have lots of photos and I know this one thing:  Larry and I make adorable babies.

Fast forward 3 years.  We added a 4th baby.

Our family now looked like this:

Please excuse Cole, clearly he was not excited about giving up his place as baby of the family.

Four babies in six years.  My life was busy.  But I was living my dream.  I'd always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  There were days I felt so fulfilled and I brimmed with thankfulness for Larry who went to work each day and worked hard to provide for us so I could stay home with the kiddos.  

There were days I wanted to force Larry to trade places with me so I could go to work and GET AWAY FROM THESE KIDS WHO WERE SUCKING THE VERY LIFE OUT OF ME.

There were days I did wash with joy, did dishes with joy, cleaned with joy.  There were days my kids cuddled on the couch with me as we read story after story.

There were days I did wash feeling under-appreciated, did dishes feeling under-appreciated, cleaned feeling under-appreciated.  There were days I spent with someone else's throw-up, urine, and (excuse me) crap on me.

Being the mother of young children is not for the faint of heart.

All you mommas who are in the thick of it right now, I applaud you!  Don't feel bad when your emotions swing from I-can't-imagine-being-able-to-love-this-little-person-anymore-than-I-do-right-now to GET-THIS-CHILD-AWAY-FROM-ME-FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-EVERYTHING-HOLY!!!!!  You are not alone.

I now understand why my mom used to lock herself in the bathroom.

Fast forward 4 more years.  Our family now looks like this:

Things are still busy but it's a different kind of busy.  Some things are easier to do without babies but some things are harder.  My emotions still swing from  I-can't-imagine-being-able-to-love-this-little-person-anymore-than-I-do-right-now to GET-THIS-CHILD-AWAY-FROM-ME-FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-EVERYTHING-HOLY!!!!!

Rest is still an elusive 4 letter word.  

Next week I will get to do a lot of resting.  Vacation is good for that.  But that means this week requires extra effort.

My life would be in shambles without my lists.  Side note:  the above lists are all about food.

I'm doing everything in a hurry.  My mom says she remembers her dad adding the word "hurry" to everything they were supposed to do.  "Hurry up and...".  There is much to be done and so we hurry.

At the beginning of this year I spent a Sunday morning at home while Larry and the kids went to church.  It was quiet, peaceful, holy.  I felt the Spirit impress two words on my heart for 2014.

Slow.

Deliberate.

Bahahaha, God, that's a funny joke.

Except it wasn't a joke.  Somehow I was supposed to incorporate these 2 words into everyday life.  Into everything I do.  We are now half way thru the year.  Can I tell you?  I'm failing miserably.  There are weeks that go by that I don't think even once about those two words that are supposed to be my mantra for the year.

But there are also times do remember.  I can tell I am changing.  

Is there something you can do slow and deliberate today?  Is there anything the Spirit is impressing on you?  I'd love to hear about it.

Media Month Check In

It's June 20th.  Three weeks of June, gone.  Two weeks of summer vacation have flown by.  Please, Dear Summer, SLOW DOWN.

I am loving the pace of these days.  Especially the mornings.  My people are actually sleeping in (read: sleeping past 6:00am).  I am raising 4 morning people.  Which is great as I am one too.  Except my mornings are holy.  Meaning, unless you are the Holy Spirit, please do not talk to me.  I'm trying to think.  I'm enjoying my coffee.  I'm being.

Morning is when I do my best thinking.  As the day wears on my brain turns to mush.  I'm not saying I don't enjoy the rest of the day because I absolutely do!  There is just something so peaceful about the morning hours.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I am by myself and no one is talking to me.  Have I mentioned I'm an introvert?

Anyhow, on to the purpose of this blog post:  Media Month Check-In.

I waffle between being a complete Pharisee (I will follow ALL the rules and run rough-shod over anyone who gets in my way) and throwing the rule book over my shoulder (eh, who cares anyway?!).  

I am convinced I have split personalities.

So, what I am trying to say is this:  The beginning of this month I kept track of every second I spent on Facebook or other not-legitimately-important web time or TV watching.  

We all know that I did not keep track of time I spent texting.  About a week or so in,probably after the infamous Drive To The Zoo debacle.  (Side note:  I just looked up the word 'debacle' to make sure I am using it correctly.  Webster's 1913 dictionary has this definition: "a complete and ludicrous failure."  Yup, that about covers it!) I decided that all texts from people I care about are considered LIT's.  Judge me however you want.

I lasted about a week and a half in Pharisee mode.  Then I decided it was too much bother to write down and track all my time.  I mean, I can just pop on for 5 minutes, update my hilarious status, and not get sucked in, right?

I probably didn't spend much time online today so I can relax with Larry and watch this half hour show, right?  Oh, look, another episode of the same show is coming on!  So that makes up my hour of media for the day.  Hmmm, well, the commercials shouldn't count.  That probably cancels out the time I spent on Facebook today.

Isn't this how we let sin into our lives?  Small justifications.

"It's just a little white lie."

"My company makes so much money they won't ever miss a few office supplies."

"It's just one stray thought.  It doesn't matter."

Ephesians 4:27 says "do not give the devil a foothold."

Now, I am no rock climber (Ha!  I just had a hilarious mental picture of me all harnessed up standing at the bottom of a rock wall.) but my understanding is that a foothold can be super small. 

Like a tiny crack.  Like a little white lie.  Like stealing a few office supplies.  Like entertaining a sinful stray thought.

Can we start being a people of integrity?  Can I stop lying to myself to sooth my conscience?  Let's stand up and make Jesus proud of His Bride.

"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption...Be kind and compassionate to one another...Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  Ephesians 4:30, 32 & 5:1-2

Wow, do you know the cool thing about blogging?  When I started this post I had no idea I would end up at these thoughts.

I have one kid awake now which means it's no longer quiet (why do they start talking the minute their eyes open?) so I can't think clearly anymore.

Also, I have no good wrap up for this blog.  Just...thanks for reading it.  I pray you let Jesus speak to you today.  Go out and be imitators of God!

Fun with Purpose

What do two girls from China, four Lancaster County kids, and one fresh air child have in common with me?  We all "ran" the We Help Children Color Run 5k together last year!

Yeah, we didn't actually run.  That is one of the many great things about this event!  It's for everyone.  You can run, walk, crawl, skip, jump, or slither thru the course.  Whatever floats your boat.

It's SO fun.  If you came to this event and didn't have fun I worry for your soul.

I wish I could have heard how our girls from China described this event when they got home.  I can just hear it...

"Americans are crazy people!  For fun they run thru the woods and throw paint on each other!  And they pay good money to do it!"

Yes, yes we do.

And good news!!  We're doing it again this year!  July 26 at Brubaker Park, East Earl, PA.  This year there will be 2 color runs, one at 8:30am and one at 10:30am.  You can register online here.

Now you know about the fun but what about the purpose?

I have these awesome friends, Drew and Cindy Metcalf. 

Ok, clearly the above photo is not of Drew and Cindy.  It's of me and Cindy.  Because I don't have any photos of Drew and Cindy in my computer and I'm too stupid to figure out how to get any from the web.  And also because, even though this picture is 5 years old now, IT WAS TAKEN IN GUATEMALA.

Anyhow, regardless of if I have photos or not, Drew and Cindy are amazing.  They live in Guatemala with their two sons and they help tons of kids.  They are missionary counselors who work with children who have had unspeakable things done to them.  Seriously, the stories will make you bawl your eyes out.

God has called Drew and Cindy to this mission field and they've responded by starting a ministry called "We Help Children".  All the proceeds of this year's color run will benefit We Help Children.

(HEY!   I figured it out!  The above photo is of the much loved Metcalf family <3)

Would you like to be involved?  Visit this Facebook site to learn more about the We Help Children Color Run 5k.  Visit this one to learn more about the We Help Children ministry.

AND NOW FOR SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS!!!  You could win two FREE registrations by following this link and liking our page!  Like and share the We Help Children Color Run 5k Facebook page, comment on my blog post, or comment on the Giveaway post at We Help Children and you will be entered to win two free registrations!  The winner will be announced on Sunday June 22.  It could be you!

And even if you don't win the drawing, we'd love to see you on July 26.  It's fun with a purpose and so we all win.  We have fun.  Our money helps to change lives.  Jesus is honored.

To God be the glory!

Rule Breaking Justifier 

I went on a field trip today.  I love field trips for two reasons:

1.  They are usually to cool places.

2.  I get one on one time with my kids.

Today's field trip was no exception.  Philly zoo.  Me and Cole.  Fantastic.

There is one down side of field trips tho.  The bus ride.  Because the noise.  And the bumpiness.  And the constantly in motion kids (Seriously, dudes.  Just. Be.STILL).  And also the noise.

Did I mention bus rides are loud?

Being an introvert I find it not worth it too difficult to try to carry on a conversation over the noise.  Besides, this was a longish bus ride.  If I started a conversation then there was the pressure of trying to keep it going the WHOLE TIME.  My life is pretty boring, people.  I don't have that much material.

Normally on a bus ride I would text people to pass the time.  But this month's 7 fast is media.  I am only giving one hour a day to media (blogging doesn't count) and only returning important texts and emails.

So what did I do?  I justified texting my sister-in-law who was just a few seats behind me.  I mean, come on.  If she was sitting right behind me I would have chatted with her so texting isn't that much different, right?

Then my phone rang.  Of course I couldn't answer it over the noise of 20 excited first graders so I let it go to voice mail.  With one finger shoved in my left ear I listened to the message with my right.  I needed to respond and I'm terrible at returning phone calls so this was an acceptable time to text and I did so.

Then I threw caution completely to the wind.   You see, I should have stopped with one cup of coffee this morning.  But I didn't and at this point in the bus ride my bladder was paying the price.  Did I mention bus rides are bumpy?  I needed a distraction.  I let my thumbs do the talking.  

Pretty soon I had 10 text message conversations going.  Four friends.  Four co-workers.  One sister-in-law.  One sister.

"Rules are meant to be broken" is a line I heard often while I was growing up.  Also, "those rules aren't meant for Leamans".  That's some solid Ted teaching right there.  Being a Harting for 12 years has done little to take the Leaman out of me.

I happily went on sending texts that were not Legitimately Important Texts (LITs).  They were Silly Texts, Food Texts, Border-line Inappropriate Texts.  Hashtag Texts, Kid Texts, I Have to Pee Texts.

One friend texted this: "Just read thru that whole conversation again.  I love when u do media fasts.  I think that was the most txting we did for months. :) "

And my reply?  "lol, oh my word.  At the zoo now, no more silliness.  Peace out, homie."

I am so weird.

I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post is.  I guess just to confess to you that on day 3 of the media fast I failed totally and completely.

Ok, so if we want to be brutally honest, I actually failed on the VERY FIRST day.  But it was different than today.  Today I willingly broke my own rules.  On Sunday I just forgot.  

Sunday evening I posted this as my status:  

"for the month of june i am giving only 1 hour a day to media/technology.  i will answer important emails/texts but if you want to be silly or sarcastic of just simply conversational with me it's gonna have to be in person.

i am not super thrilled about this month of 7."

A few hours later I sent LITs to two friends, inviting them to breakfast.  One accepted.  One declined.  Both text conversations spiraled into silliness.  I didn't think twice about it until one of them responded with this:  "Do these count as important texts because if not your month has already been ruined..."

Cruditty, crud, crud, CRUD.  

I thought I didn't have a problem with media.  I'm not uber connected.  You know, no smart phone, no laptop, no ipad, no cable, no DVR.  I don't watch that much TV.  And radio?  I can take it or leave it.  But I do love me some texting.  And Facebook. And salted caramel pretzel bark (which has nothing to do with media.  I'm just listing things I'm addicted to).

Tomorrow is a new day.  Another chance to follow my own rules.  And like I said in a text today:

"At least Jesus still loves me"

The reply? "Always and forever and that's all that should matter!!"