Hanging On

I've sat here for a few minutes after typing my title just staring at the blinking cursor.  For once I may be at a loss for words.  And yet I know getting my thoughts out will be therapeutic.  I'm just unsure how to start.

Today I feel like I am just hanging on.  I know some of you are so not ready for your kids to go back to school and that is awesome.  Hang on tight to the last couple of days and soak in your babies.

I, on the other hand, would love to shove my kids on the bus.  Like, yesterday.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids.  Deeply.  But they are wearing me out.

Oh my goodness.  I just watched this and I laughed until I cried.  Perfect.

This summer has been so full.  Most summers are.  There's a lot going on for all of us.  Vacations, work, pool parties, VBS, day camps, library programs, yard work, gardening, freezing and canning (which, admittedly, I've done 0 of), the list goes on.  

I think what is really burning me out right now is the inability to be alone with my thoughts.  Even as I type this I've told my children several times that I just want to be alone.  Sigh, that's probably not good parenting.  But, my desire is to be real and honest with you guys.  So there you have it, I'm not always a great parent.

Ha!  I just glanced out the patio doors.  Jake is standing on the picnic table with two tennis rackets and the older 3 are throwing around a disgusting soccer ball with the dog.  Whatever.  They're outside.

This summer has also been very emotional.  I've got some dear friends who are walking thru some hard stuff and I've been so honored to hear their hearts.  It's meant some late nights, lots of texts, long hugs, and also some tears.  You guys know who you are.  I love you.  And I'll always exhaust myself for you.  I mean that with all my heart.

So, today I am holding on.  If you have a minute, would you pray for me?  I want to thrive today and not just survive.

And next week when the kids get on the bus?  I might just lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling for a few hours.  Don't judge me.

It's been a week since The Mistake.  A week where every day, several times a day, I looked at the puppies half expecting more to have died.  When they are sleeping, I'm terrified.  Laying on their sides, not moving. 

And then a little twitch here, a tail wag there, an adorable yawn and I can breathe again.

Life is so fragile.

I'm sure many of you were saddened this week to learn of Robin Williams suicide.  I was too.

I'm not even sure how to address the issue of suicide.  I read several blog posts yesterday, Ann Voskamp's being my favorite.  This woman, what a beautiful heart.  If you've never read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann I would encourage you to cancel your life and read it straight thru.

These lines from Ann's post yesterday, they tug at my soul:  

"There are some who take communion and anti-depressants and there are those  who think both are a crutch.

Come in close — I’d rather walk tall with a crutch than crawl around insisting like a proud and bloody fool that I didn’t need one."

Jesus didn't call us to be strong and invincible.  He didn't say that he'd help us if we first help ourselves.

In John 10, Jesus says this "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He goes on to say he is the Good Shepherd and he calls his followers his sheep.


If Jesus thought we should be strong and independent and not show our weaknesses than he would have never called us sheep.


Now, I don't know a ton about sheep, I've not been around them much. But I do know this: They are not strong critters. You don't see photos of sheep being laden with saddles or being packed like a mule. I did find this video of a girl riding a sheep but, dude, that sheep is struggling. It wasn't made to carry that burden. Neither were you.


Sheep are also not independent.

They were made for community. So was I. Being an introvert this is sometimes difficult for me. That last photo of the sheep? Cringe. So many. So close. So much touching.


But a sheep cut off from it's flock? It'll probably die if nobody comes to rescue it. In Matthew 18 Jesus tells the parable about the lost sheep. The shepherd leaves the 99 and goes after the one that is lost. We are to be Jesus' hands and feet. Is there someone he's prompting you to go after?  You don't need to have answers, sometimes all you have to do is listen to someone who is hurting. And maybe cry with them.


Have you ever seen something more vulnerable and weak looking than a sheep that's just been sheared?

Don't show your weakness. Don't be vulnerable. Don't be a hot mess. That's what we tell ourselves, isn't it? Or even worse, it's what someone else tells us. So we slap on a happy face while our insides are shriveling up.


Now hear me on this: I don't believe you need to be vulnerable with everybody. The grocery store clerk? Probably not. Your waitress? She doesn't really have time. That random guy standing on the street corner? Uh, no.


But your friend who invites you over for breakfast?   Yes. Your pastor who sincerely cares about the welfare of your soul? Absolutely.   Your family who loves you deeply? Go right ahead.


Being vulnerable always carries the potential to be hurt and that is scary. But stuffing it and having your heart turn to stone is way worse. I watched this this morning and I couldn't say it better myself.


So, while hearts and lives are fragile, they were meant to be shared. Maybe you are in a season of brokenness, where you are the sharer. That is so difficult. But, please, find a safe someone to talk to.


Maybe you are in a season where you are privileged to hear someone's heart. See that for the blessing it is. What a gift to be trusted like that.


And no matter where today finds you, know this: you are deeply loved.


"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither hight nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The Fallout Continues

The consequences of yesterday's mistake are reaching into today.

When I checked on the puppies this morning, two more had died.  They seemed fine last night when I went to bed.  Breathing well, moving around, being adorable.

But something must have been wrong inside.

I am overwhelmed by the spiritual parallels in this sad puppy story.  I'm also very sad and tired.  I'll do my best to share what's on my heart.

Firstly, the consequences.  My mistake happened yesterday.  I can't even tell you how sorry I am.  How many tears I've cried.  If you might be offended by inappropriate language, please skip my next sentence.  Five puppies are now dead because of me and I feel like the world's biggest asshole.  

But being sorry doesn't change the fallout.  Nothing I can do can bring those puppies back.  All of our actions have consequences.  The words you say today to someone can stay burned on their heart for years.  The things you do today can follow you for a long time. 

"The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in 
Christ Jesus our Lord."  ~ Romans 6:23

Look at that.  The first part of that verse is so sobering.  Our sin brings death.  But, hallelujah!, there is a gift from God.  Eternal life through my sweet Jesus.  He can redeem even the messiest of situations.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." ~Psalm 103: 2-4

Secondly, what seems to be true vs. what is really happening.  Those puppies seemed fine last night but were dead by morning.  Something must have been wrong on the inside.  There are a lot of people walking around like that.  The outside is clean, nicely dressed, smiling.  But the inside is a mess.  I know, because I've been there.

Please, if that is you, find someone to be real with.  Someone who won't judge you, someone you trust with your heart, someone who will pray for you daily.  If you don't know anyone like that, come to me, please!  And, more importantly, take it to Jesus.  

This verse kept coming to mind this morning and I'm believing it with all my heart:  "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~ Psalm 34:18

We've all been there or will be there at some point.  This old world is full of heartache.  Let's be the compassionate arms of Jesus to each other.

Oh, no

I made a mistake today.   Chances are, you did too.

Did you run the coffee pot without putting grounds in?  Oops.

Did you forget to put mayo on your sandwich?  Dang it!

Did you forget about an appointment?  (I'm lookin' at you, Wanda)

If you only made a small mistake you probably didn't think twice about it.  I made a really big mistake.  And as a result we are down to 5 puppies.

I am a puppy killer.  I feel like I should wear a t-shirt printed with those words so that people can spit on me and push me down like I deserve.

Here's what happened:  Yesterday Larry moved the puppies out to the dog kennel.  They had been in the garage but Cici had started to get into things and I think Larry wanted his garage back.  Anyway, this morning when the sun was shining on them they were making lots of noise.  They seemed uncomfortable so I moved them and their baby pool into the shade.  After getting them situated we left to go swimming.  I thought I would be home before their shady spot turned into a sunny spot.

But I wasn't.  While I was living it up at the pond my puppies were at home getting hotter and hotter.

Larry got home before me and moved them back into the shade.  I went to check on them right away.  Two were unmoving.

If you had told me two weeks ago that I would shed tears over a puppy dying I probably would have laughed at you.  But, people, I watched all these puppies come into the world and it was amazing.  And now, because of me, two were gone. 

I sat in the dog kennel and sobbed.  And while I watched, another puppy breathed it's last.

There were waves of emotion.  So sad.  So angry.  So disappointed.

And the one that lingers:  guilt.  This was my fault.  If only I hadn't moved them in the first place.  If only I had come home sooner.  If only they were still in the garage.  If only, if only, if only...

But I can't rewind time.  What's done is done.  The best thing that can happen now is that I learn from my mistake.

This time around my mistake was not a sin and I'm thankful for that.  But I do make mistakes that are sins.  Chances are, you have too.

Did you share some information that was gossipy?

Did you spew some words that were hurtful to someone else?

Have you allowed pride to creep into your heart?

Jesus calls for us to repent.  He took all our ugly shame to the cross.  It was nailed there so that we can be free.  All we've got to do is ask.  

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."  ~ Isaiah 53:5

Summertime Sunday

So, what do bloody tampons (this is not TMI.  I promise.  I will explain in a few paragraphs.  Trust me.), hyperactive children, people I've been friends with for half my lifetime, and a house full of relatives have in common?

If you said they were all part of my day today you would be correct.

Let's dive right in with the bloody tampons, shall we?

I've been thinking a lot about religion this week.  It's not a word I like.  Another word I don't like?  Christian.  There are loads of people out there who would call themselves religious.  Also loads of people walk around calling themselves Christians.  But many of these same people are not Jesus followers.  They've got no relationship with him.  It's all rules and trying to be good enough to get into heaven.  Which is not how it works!  

I am saved by grace.  Can I get an 'AMEN'?

Which brings me to bloody tampons (you thought I forgot, right?).

Last night I started reading a book called "Jesus>Religion"  by Jefferson Bethke.  In the first chapter the author shares that one of his favorite verses is this one from the book of Isaiah: "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags."  He goes on to say that "...the Hebrew word for "filthy rags"  can be interpreted as "menstrual garments."  In that verse God says our good works are no better than a bloody tampon.  Next time you're in a public restroom and you see the waste can, feel free to remind yourself that's your righteousness apart from Jesus. (Gross, I know.)"

As soon as I read that I decided I love this book.  And I knew I would use that paragraph in the Sunday school class I was scheduled to teach today.

Every other month I get to teach the Jr. High girls.  I love these girls.  What I don't love is being locked into a curriculum.  I'd so much rather talk about what's on my heart.  So that's what I did.  We talked religion, relationship, idolatry, Jesus.  I got so passionate, I cried.  Our whole 45 minutes was definitely Spirit led.  I felt like I was glowing as I left our classroom.

Then I went to church and all hell broke loose.

It started out well.  The worship team was playing some AMAZING songs.  I love me a good worship set.  Love, love, love.  But then this son started kicking that son.  And that son tried to grab papers from the other son.  Someone called someone else a "baby".  Someone wanted me to hold them.  And I tried to sing "Be Thou My Vision" with a face that looked something like this:

That's my are-you-even-kidding-me-right-now? face.  I'm hoping it was scarier looking to the child that was seeing it in the moment.  Cuz right now I can't stop laughing at my own face.  I.Am.Ridiculous.

Anyway, the sermon started but our pew had the problem of NOBODY CAN WHISPER.  Or sit still.  Or stop touching me.  I may have prayed this prayer "Sweet Jesus, please help me or I am going to strangle all these kids right here in this church pew.  I'm not even kidding."

I'd love to tell you I ended up hearing a great sermon but that is not the case.  The sermon probably was great but I heard about 3% of it.

After leaving church with super high blood pressure, we were off to a cook-out with long time friends.  Where all the kids could blessedly be outside.  Away from me.  There were burgers, there was swimming, there was 4-wheeling, there was laughter, there was how-the-heck-do-we-parent-these-kids-well conversation.  It was absolutely lovely.  I wish I had photos to show you.

Then we went directly to my aunt and uncle's house for a welcome home party for my cousin who spent the last 5 months studying abroad in Italy.  My sons tried to have a wrestling match in the middle of the living room.  I put them outside.  And told them not to come back in.  Ugh.  There was buffalo dip, there were gorgeous photos of Italy to look at, there were stories to hear, there was laughter,  and it was loud.  I loved it.

But right now might be my favorite part of today.  Because I am alone, finally.  My hermity heart is grateful.  The patio door is open and I can hear summer's symphony.  I can feel myself breathe.  I can think back over the day and laugh at the rough parts.

Today was a good day.  Thank you, Jesus.

Unpopular

If, by my title, you think I am going to talk about my high school years you would be... wrong.  However, I could write a blog post by the same title about that subject.  But not today.

Today I am unpopular with a different crowd.  A shorter crowd.  A crowd of 4.

Let me rewind to this morning.  I found a stack of Bible verses glued to colored paper a few days ago.  I stuck them in a basket on my island.  Today they caught my eye and I read thru them.  One in particular stuck out to me so I taped it to my kitchen window.

Humble, gentle, patient, loving, united, peaceful.  I'd like my life to be marked by these words but too often the opposite words are true:  haughty, rough, impatient, spiteful, divided, warlike.  My heart can be a swampy mess.

Little did I know that in a few short hours I would be using this verse to train my kiddos.

On Tuesdays we have a standing invitation to go swimming at a friend's pond.  We usually end up going grocery shopping, to the library, and then swimming.  Because I'm green and I try to do all my errands on one day (wink).

Anyway, this morning there was a lot to do before we could leave the house so I wrote my kids a list.  I told them that they have the power to decide when we leave.  As soon as they accomplished the list we could be on our way.

I wish I had a video so you could hear what my house sounded like as they did the list.  Oh.My.Word.

The yelling.

The complaining.

The name calling.

The tattling.

I wanted to rip my hair out and knock their heads together.

But then I remembered the verse I had taped to the window and I had a moment of clarity and the Holy Spirit nudged me to use this verse to teach my children.

So, while I actually wanted to scream at them "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?  JUST SHUT UP AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!", I let them finish their list without any interfering and I prayed about the words I would say to them.

When they told me they were done I gathered them together and had one of them read the verse.  Then I asked them if they were gentle and patient with each other.

"No," says one of them.

I asked them if they were bearing with each other in love.

"I don't know what that means but I don't think we were," says the same child.

I asked them if they were united and peaceful while they worked.

"No," same kid again.

And then I made this unpopular statement:  "Because you guys were not gentle, patient, loving, united, or peaceful with each other we are going to skip swimming today.  You may not watch any movies or play any computer games.  You may not play with the neighbors.  You need practice being together learning how to treat each other the right way."

Ah, and then the fallout.  

"But we only fight when you make us do work!"

"But he wasn't doing what you said!"

"But it's not fair!"

But, But, But.  Listen, kids, I am unmoved by your "buts".

We still needed to go to the library because our books were due so they piled in the truck and we headed out.  One child was particularly sullen and said "I don't want to go in, can't we just return them in the book drop?"  To which other children said "No, we want to get more books."

I said we'd take a vote and majority wins.  3 to 1 they wanted to go into the library.  The 1 said, "Of course they voted against me, nobody likes me!"  I assured him that wasn't true and then a little voice popped up "Well, at least Brennan [our neighbor] likes you!"

Ha!  Hilarious, but not helpful, kid.

My friend with the pond also has chickens and I like to buy eggs from her.   Since we were already out we went to her house to get eggs.  As we pulled in, Jake, who really had no idea about what was going on, said "Oh no, I didn't bring my swimming suit!"

And a snarky voice says "JAKE!   Try to be smarter next time."

And I wanted to scream "GAH!  ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?!  HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?!  IT'S BECAUSE OF COMMENTS LIKE THAT THAT WE ARE NOT GOING SWIMMING!!!"

I managed to calmly say, "It's because of comments like that that we are not going swimming."

Some days I wonder if my kids will actually turn out to be decent adults.  The Bible says to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.

I'm trying, Jesus.

It's probably a good thing that babies are born without the ability to talk.  They are small and helpless and need you for everything.  While that can be difficult and frustrating some days it also creates a deep loving bond.  

Without that bond, on days like today, I'd put them all outside and change the locks.

Cole just came up from the basement to show me a lego airplane that Kye made for him.

There may be hope yet.

Saturday

Some Saturdays are normal.  You know, you sleep in (unless you have kids), you make bacon and eggs for breakfast, you do some laundry, maybe mow the yard, read a book or watch TV.  

This past Saturday was not like that at all.

First, I didn't make breakfast.  I think my people ate cold cereal.  Shudder.  I think I didn't eat.

Second, we did a color run!

If you looked at this picture correctly you will see that we have an extra person with us.  We have a Japanese girl, Nahiro, staying with us for two weeks.  We made invited her to do the color run with us too.  Because Americans are weirdos.

*Side note.  At the run two people told me how they read my blog and how they really like it.  I always get super awkward when people tell me things like this.  So, if I stuttered around and sounded like an imbecile, what I meant was "Thank you."

When we came home I could not find our dog.  Normally this would be cause for rejoicing, like maybe she ran away, woo-hoo!  it's my lucky day!!

Except she was expecting her first litter of puppies.  So I walked around the house calling for her.  Here is where I found her:

Yeah, she's under the AC unit.  Dug a nice big hole.  I know in my 11th hour of pregnancy it never crossed my mind to try to squish into a tiny space.  Dogs are weirdos.

We got Cici settled into a plastic kiddie pool in the garage.  The kids kept vigil (read: annoyed the heck out of the dog) all afternoon.

No puppies.

We had friends over for dinner.

No puppies.

I sent the kids to bed early because they were annoying the heck out of me.

No puppies.

But something was definitely happening.  So I sat in the garage with the dog and my phone.  Because waiting time is good texting time.

Cici paced.  In the pool, out of the pool.  Over to the door, back to me.  Whimpering a little.  And the panting.  Oh my, it was seriously hardcore.

Finally, at 9:17, the first puppy arrived.  I was grinning like a fool. I sent this text to Larry (who was watching TV):  "THERE ARE PUPPIES COMING OUT!!!!"  The response?  "K"

WHAT???

Then a few minutes later, "Am I supposed to come out?"

OH.MY.WORD.  Yes!!!

So, he comes out,  takes a look and says "Ok, I'm going back in".  I was flabbergasted.  "You mean you don't want to watch?"

"Not really," he says.

Um, ok then.  I don't get that at all but it's fine.  Larry goes back inside to the comfort of the couch and I continue to sit on the concrete and watch the little miracle taking place in front of me.

And text more people "THERE ARE PUPPIES COMING OUT!!!"

My sister says, "Catch them".  Gross.

I wait and wait.  Cici licks and licks.  After more than an hour goes by another puppy is born.  More foolish grinning.  Updated texts go out.

20 minutes later the third little black lab joins us.

Shortly after 11:00 my friend, Cameron, comes over to watch with me.  I run upstairs to tell Larry that Cameron is here and so are 3 puppies.  He says "Ok". 

I have married the most enthusiastic man on the face of the planet.  Whatever, I probably need balancing.

We watch and wait with Cici until 3:00am.  5 more puppies joim the first three.  It's messy.  It's gross.  It's disgusting.  It's AMAZING.

I couldn't have torn myself away.  I was enthralled by how God created these tiny puppies.  The little ears and claws got me the most.  Oh, and the tiny puppy sounds?  So precious.  And loud.

I was fascinated by how Cici knew what to do.  Nobody ever told her.  She didn't read any books on labor and delivery.  None of her friends let her know what happened during their birthing process.  She followed her God given instincts.

We could take a hint from Cici.  You know, when something just resonates with you?  That's the Holy Spirit.  Listen to his nudges.  He's our guide.  And if something doesn't make sense, ask him about it.  He won't be offended.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."