Hospitality vs. Entertaining

Good morning!  I've been MIA in the blogosphere and for once, I'm ok with that.  Remember, this is my season of nothing?  It's been so good.  And of course, now that I have something I want to blog about, the little monsters who live in my house are losing their crap over E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G this morning.

Please shut up so I can think and write.

Of course I didn't say that out loud.  I merely screamed "DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!  WHY DO I STILL HEAR YOU TALKING???"

It's a dramatic morning.

Anywho, I've been reading this book:

sidenote: I'm sorry the lighting is weird.  But not sorry enough to move the book and try again.

My awesome neighbor, Michelle, invited me to come to a book study at her house on Wednesday mornings to talk about this book. I enthusiastically agreed and have since showed up only once because I'm the worst person in the world.

But I'm still reading it on my own and that counts for something, right?

This book is all about learning to study the Bible on your own.  You know, you, the Holy Spirit, and scripture.  And journaling.  It's probably why I haven't gone insane from not blogging.  My thoughts are still coming out, just on paper instead of the interweb.

This morning's scripture was Romans 12:9-21.  Lots of really good stuff.  And the book listed some footnotes from different translations and encouraged you to choose one footnote as a journaling prompt.

The footnote I chose was for Romans 12:13 which says "Share with God's people who are in need.  Practice hospitality."

I would have said that hospitality is one of my gifts.  But this winter, dealing with seasonal affective disorder, I have not been hospitable.

Or so I thought, before I read this footnote:

"Christian hospitality differs from social entertaining.  Entertaining focuses on the host-the home must be spotless; the food must be well prepared and abundant; the host must appear relaxed and good-natured.  Hospitality, by contrast, focuses on the guests.  Their needs - whether for a place to stay, nourishing food, a listening ear, or acceptance are the primary concern.  Hospitality can happen in a messy home.  It can happen around a dinner table where the main dish is canned soup.  It can even happen while the host and the guest are doing chores together. Don't hesitate to offer hospitality just because you are too tired, too busy, or not wealthy enough to entertain."

Those words cause an avalanche of thoughts.

1. I have confused hospitality and entertaining.

2. Entertaining is not wrong, it can be fun!

3. Entertaining and hospitality can happen together, in my opinion.

4.  They can also happen separately.

5.  For me, in this season, they need  to happen separately.

6.  I cannot entertain right now.  It feels too big.  All or Nothing.

7.  I can be (and in fact have been) hospitable right now.

8.  Hospitality is about opening your heart more than opening your  home.

So if you are in need of some hospitality, come on over.  I'll make you some coffee.  And maybe open a can of soup. 

And have you help fold my laundry.  :)

Is It Full Moon?

Weird stuff is happening around here today. 

*Kye went to school with his toes poking out of his shoes because for some reason he never thought to tell me his shoes were broken.

* I wore a scarf over my sweater to hide the fact that a button had fallen off.

* A mennonite guy fell off his bike RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.  Praise Jesus, Larry swerved in time and we didn't hit him.  My heart did funny things for a few miles.

* I asked a complete stranger if I could pray for her grandson.

* I started taking antidepressants.

Ok, the first one (I think) is typical of kids.  Especially boy kids.  It still makes me feel like a bad parent.  Oh well, new shoes comin' up tomorrow!

The second one is just me being lazy.  I have a needle and thread and am fully capable of sewing a button back on.  But, meh.  Wrapping a scarf around my neck is a heck of a lot faster.

Number 3.  Holy Cow.

So, the stranger?  Larry and I went to September Farm for supper tonight.  We'd never been there before but heard great things about it.  Three words:  Fried Cheese Curds.  I know, I know.  Ew, they have a terrible name.  But your taste buds don't care what those deliciously gooey things are called.  Trust me on this, eat them.  

Anyway, we ate our dinner, wandered around the store, and then went to order some ice cream.  While we were ordering, an older lady comes in and gets behind us.  

"I know, it's crazy to be getting ice cream on a night like this," she says to me. 

"There's no bad time for ice cream, " I say like a girl who works in an ice cream shop.

Ok, technically this is the ice cream truck, but you get the picture.

"You see," she continues, "my grandson is having a serious surgery on Friday.  Today his mother sent me a picture of the two of them eating ice cream in the hospital with the words 'There's nothing like ice cream to make you feel better'."

And I did see.  She wanted to join them in the ice cream eating.  She wanted to feel better.  

Then, The Nudge.  Have you felt it?  When Jesus says, "Ask if you can pray".  And I hiss back, "REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE ME AN INTROVERT?!"  Then Jesus gives you The Look.

Ok, not really.  But I can see him looking at me like that in my minds eye.

"Can I pray with you about your grandson?" I hear myself say.

"What?" she says.

"Can I pray with you about your grandson?" I repeat.

Look of surprise, "Well, yes."

"What's his name?"

"Kyle."

So we pray.  Right there in the middle of September Farm, me holding an ice cream cone in one hand and this precious lady's arm in the other.  Her hand covering mine.  We pray for healing, wisdom, complete restoration.  And the September Farm Ice Cream Scooping Girl says "Amen."

I started taking antidepressants today.  My doctor agrees with me that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  She put me on a low dose of Sertraline.  I was reading the paper work that came with the drug on our way to September Farm.

"Antidepressant medications are used to treat a variety of conditions, including depression and other mental/mood disorders."

I have a mental disorder.  There is so much stigma that comes crashing down with those words.  But I know that this is something that is beyond my control.  If I had strep throat, I would take antibiotics to bring healing.  Since I don't have the right balance of serotonin (a brain chemical that affects mood), I will take sertraline to bring healing.

Then there are the side effects.  There was the usual nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, blah, blah, blah.  But then this: "Get medical help right away if any of these rare but serious side effects occur:...vomit that looks like coffee grounds."

What?!

And also this fun paragraph: "Some conditions may become worse when this drug is suddenly stopped.  Also, you may experience symptoms such as mood swings, headaches, tiredness, sleep changes, and brief feelings similar to electric shock."


Brief feelings similar to electric shock, huh?

Here's the bottom line:  I'm broken, just like Kye's shoes.  I have a mental disorder and to help balance my brain I'm taking a medication that could (but probably won't) make my vomit look like coffee grounds and make me feel like I'm being electrocuted. 

And Jesus asked me to pray for a woman tonight who needed to know she is loved.

No more excuses, k?  Jesus uses the broken for his glory.

Go get 'em.

Practice What You Preach

Guess what?  Sometimes I don't.  Please see the following story for evidence.  

On Sunday I got to teach the Jr. High girl's Sunday school class.  In typical Tara fashion I didn't know what I was going to talk about until Sunday morning.  After some prayer I felt led to read that day's Jesus Calling to the girls.  So that's what I did.  I read it slowly.  And then we wrote down single words on the board that stood out to us.

Enfold

Radiance

Glory

Still

Sacrifice

Transformed

Yield

Creative

Tempo

God-breathed

I could write a blog post on each of these words.  My favorite from this list?  Tempo and God-breathed.  I know that's two.  C'mon, you know me well enough by now to know that I can't just pick one favorite ANYTHING.

But back to Sunday.  We focused on the words "glory" and "sacrifice".   Two of the scriptures that went with Sunday's reading were as follows:

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name." ~ Hebrews 13:15

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." ~ 2 Corinthians 3:18

Not gonna lie, that 2 Corinthians verse freaks me out a little.  There is a lot to unpack in that sentence.  The part that I want to focus on is the "unveiled faces" reference which took us back to Exodus and Moses.

The part where God COVERS MOSES WITH HIS HAND IN THE CLEFT OF A ROCK.  I'm sorry to yell but it just never hit me so hard before.  Can you even imagine?!  Literally being covered by the hand of God.  I cried when I read it out loud to the girls.  And then God removed his hand and let Moses see the back of him.

Moses spent a long time on the mountain with God.  And when he came down "he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord."  He ended up putting a veil over his face.

So we talked about glory.  That part was fun.  Then we talked about sacrifice.

Ew.

Sacrifice is messy.  In the Old Testament it required blood.  Sacrifice is time consuming.  People used to make journeys to a specific place to make their sacrifice.  
Sacrifice is heart breaking.  When Jesus hung on the cross, making the ultimate sacrifice, he called out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Is there any feeling more desperate than feeling forsaken by God?

We talked about two different kinds of sacrifice: the sacrifice of time and the sacrifice of praise.

The sacrifice of time happens when we choose to dedicate time to Jesus.  Maybe it's getting up early and sacrificing sleep so you can read the Bible.  Maybe it's skipping going to a movie with your friends because the movie isn't honoring to Jesus.  Maybe it's going to bed early on Saturday night so that you aren't groggy and falling asleep during Sunday's sermon.  Whatever it is, sacrificing our time isn't always easy.

Then there's the sacrifice of praise.  What does that even mean?  "Sacrifice" and "Praise" almost seem like they could be opposites. "Sacrifice" induces an uncomfortable feeling while "praise" makes me think of music and dancing.

But what about the hard days?  When the sun hasn't shone for days.  When it feels like everything you've tried to teach your kids is falling on deaf ears.  When you believe the lies of the devil.  When you feel worthless, run down, wrung out.

What then?

Is it not a sacrifice to dig deep and say "Jesus, I praise you for..."?

I told my Jr. High girls that it's ok to pray "Jesus, today was crappy."  But then follow that up with "Can You remind me of something I can be thankful for today?"  Bring the sacrifice of praise.

And here comes the part where I didn't practice what I preached.

Monday was a rough day for me.  Nothing in particular happened that was bad.  But I felt worthless, run down, wrung out.  And so did I say "Jesus, today is crappy.  Can You remind me of something I can be thankful for today?"?

Nope.  I self-medicated with Netflix.

That was an ugly, ugly sentence to type.

But on Tuesday I did practice something that I preach.  You know how I am always harping on being real with each other?  Yeah, I'm not always my realest real.  See how I tried to justify that?!  I'm kinda real sometimes...

Anyway, on Tuesday I had coffee with a dear friend.  And I was really real.  I told her that this winter has been especially rough.  How I think I have SAD.  How I have a doctor appointment on Monday and I want to talk to the Dr. about medication.  How I am struggling with anxiety as well.

And now I've told all of you too.

This dear friend grabbed me up in a hug and prayed over me.

I HATE being on the needy end of things.  It feels so much better being the one to take care of somebody else.

But it's like Crysti reminded me in a text this morning:

"Times ebb and flow.  You have cared for me in the past, now it's my turn.  And around and around it will go.  Then we are each blessed to give and each blessed to receive... just as Jesus designed."

She promised to pray for me but she also did something practical as well.  She gave me Frankincense.  I'm cracking up as I type that! Yeah, like I'm the little baby Jesus, she gave me Frankincense.

If you know about essential oils, you know Frankincense is one.  I don't know much about essential oils but Crysti says this one is supposed to help with my mood.  "Still talk to your Doctor," she says, "But maybe this will help until then."

So, this morning I rubbed some on my wrists.  And can I tell you?  I feel awesome.

Maybe it's the Frankincense.  Maybe it's that the sun is shining for the second day in a row.  Maybe it's that Crysti is praying for me.

I'm guessing it's the combination of all three.

I want my face to shine with the Glory of God.  I want to be real.  I want to encourage you.  I want you to encourage me.  Maybe it takes oil.  Maybe it takes medication.  Maybe it takes sunshine.  It certainly takes Jesus.

May your life and mine reflect the Glory of God as we bring the sacrifices of time and praise.  And may we practice what we preach. 

All or Nothing

Those are the words I use to describe myself.  I have a hard time with middle ground.  This is how it looks in real life:

If I can't clean my whole house in one day I don't clean at all.

If I don't have time to exercise for 20-30 minutes I don't exercise at all.

If I can't keep my garden completely weed free I don't weed at all.

If I don't have time for a nice long hot shower I don't shower at all (TMI? So sorry.)

If I am overwhelmed by the length of my To-Do list I don't do anything at all.

I am a little better when it comes to entertainment but in a perfect world I would:

Start and finish a book in one sitting.

Watch all the episodes/seasons of a TV series in one sitting.

Watch movies and their sequels all in one sitting.

My all or nothing mentality even spills over into deeper things.

There are SO many people I love and want to keep up with.  But I get overwhelmed and I shut people out.

There are SO many things to pray about.  But I get overwhelmed and I don't pray at all.

There are SO many spiritual lessons that I want to keep at the forefront of my brain. But I get overwhelmed and I don't remember anything at all.

This past season has felt like a season of All.  And I'm burned out.  So I've entered the season of Nothing.  Which is most likely why I've not blogged for 3 weeks.

I've been spending lots of time at home.  And can I tell you?  I love it.

But then I feel guilty.  Because there are all these things I should be doing.

I should be doing more at work.

I should be doing more with my friends.

I should be doing more for my family.

These are the expectations I put on myself.  I am my own worst enemy.

Why am I sharing all this with you?  

It feels raw.

It feels messy.

It feels humbling.

But here's the thing.  I KNOW some of you must feel the same way.  Satan would have us believe we are all alone in our struggles, that no one else would understand.

Satan is the father of lies.  I know this to be true.  And so I trust the Spirit's prompting to share how I feel with you.

There are two purposes to this blog post.

#1.  If you are an All or Nothing person I want you to know you are not alone.

#2.  If you are an All or Nothing person who is wiser than me, I want your help.

How do you do life?  How do you create Middle Ground that you feel ok about?  Especially in the Important things like People, Prayer, and Jesus?  How do you combat Satan's lies that you are Too Much and at the same time Not Enough?

If you are brave enough to let me know you struggle in the same way I would welcome your Spirit led wisdom.  And I think Jesus will be glorified if we are willing to be real and help each other along the sometimes bumpy path of Life.

It's Coming

The New Year.  It's almost here.  Can I tell you?

I love fresh beginnings. 

That brand new calendar with no scribbles on it?  Love.

Putting away the Christmas decorations and getting back to "normal"?  Love.

The motivation to do something new?  The idea that anything can happen this year?  Love.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions?  

Eat healthier/exercise more/lose weight?

Save a certain amount of money?

Start EVERY day with Jesus?

Organize all the cupboards/closets/drawers?

Learn to do something new?

I've been thinking about 2015 for the past couple of days.  And then yesterday in church we heard a sermon about the New Year.  And I talked with my Jr High girls about the New Year.

I've made one resolution.  Ready?

In 2015 I want to be below average.

That sentence makes me smile wide.  Maybe some of you already think I am below average!

Let me back up and explain my resolution to you.

The adult Sunday school class I belong to has been working our way thru 1 Timothy.  A few weeks ago we read a verse that has been sticking with me.  So I turned it into my Sunday school lesson for my Jr. High girls.  I told them that when something sticks with you or is repeated often, it's most likely that the Holy Spirit is trying to teach you something.  Two of the verses we talked about yesterday were repeats of something a few of the girls had heard the day before.  I LOVE when Jesus does that!

Anyway, the verse.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

Ok, technically that was verses.  1 Timothy 6:6-8 to be exact.  Contentment is the idea that I am fixated on.  I asked Google some questions yesterday morning to try to get a pulse on America's contentment level.  Here is what I googled:

1.  How much does the Average American (AA) spend on clothes in a year?

2.  How much does the AA woman spend on makeup in her lifetime?

3.  How many electronics does the AA household have?

4.  How many movies does the AA have?

Answers:

1.  The AA woman spends $2,000/year on clothes.

2.  The AA woman spends $15,000 on makeup in her lifetime.

3.  The AA household has 24 electronics

4.  I couldn't find a definitive answer for this one.  I found a website where people answered this question.  The answers ranged from 20 to 2,100.

There are probably more possessions I should have googled but my 6:30am brain couldn't think of any more.

Then I went a little deeper and asked google these questions:

1.  How many times has the AA been married?

2.  How many times does the AA move?

3.  How many times does the AA change jobs?

Answers:

1.  I couldn't find a number on this but I did find these statistics:  

     -2 divorces happen every minute

     -there are roughly 2.1 million marriages every year

     -there are roughly 877,000 divorces every year

2.  The AA moves 12 times for any of these reasons:

    -buying/renting a new residence

    -job opportunity

    -attending college

    -change in marital status

3.  The AA changes jobs every 4.4 years resulting in 15-20 jobs over the course of their working life.

Disclaimer:  I did not do a ton of research and I know that not everything you read on the Internet is true.  Some of these numbers may not be accurate.  But I think all you need to do is watch TV to come to the conclusion that Americans are restless.  We have an insatiable desire for more.  For the latest.  For the greatest.

It turns my stomach.  Especially when I see it in me.

Jesus says this:  "Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Paul says this:  "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Which brings me to my New Year's resolution.  To be below average.

I want to spend less money on myself than the Average American.

I want to own less possessions than the Average American.

I want to be married less times, move less times, change jobs less times.

Last night I read thru all my 2014 blog posts.  Do you remember when I was doing the "7" challenge?  I actually never finished.  I'm not sure that I will.  But it reminded me of how I love the idea of doing something extreme and against the current.  I've settled on an idea for 2015.

For the next year I am not going to buy any clothes for myself.  (Except maybe new undergarments cuz I should have bought those, like, yesterday.)

Ask me about it from time to time.  Because if reading thru my blogs has taught me anything, it's this; I am a rule breaking justifier.

What are you hoping for in the new year?  What changes do you want to see in your life?  What do you think will happen?

2015 will start on Thursday.  The year may hold great joy.  The year may hold great sorrow.  Probably some of both.  But one thing is certain:  The love of Jesus is unchanging.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."

No Ow

It's Christmas Eve Eve.  How are you feeling?

Stressed?

Blessed?

Hurried?

Worried?

Happy?

Sappy?

Mad?

Glad?

Sorry, enough with the rhyming.

The point is, there are a lot of ways to be feeling.

Some of us feel fantastic.  Some of us feel not so fantastic.  Some of us are swinging wildly between the two.

I'm finding myself in the third category.  If you've read my last couple of blog posts you might be suspecting that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  After a tiny bit of research I am starting to suspect the same.  

It basically boils down to this:  

sunshiny days = happy Tara

a few cloudy gray days in a row = depressed Tara

This month has had more than it's fair share of clouds.  And so I have had some rough days.  As much as I hate to admit it, the way I feel is directly linked to the sunshine.

And, believe me, I've talked to The Son about this.  Because I know that I need Him even more than I need the sun he created.

Sometimes, when the actual sun is not out, sunshine comes in the form of a person. Or people.

That's what happened for me on Friday.  I've got this lovely friend, Adrianne.  And this other lovely friend, Wanda.  Friday happened to be Adrianne's birthday and so Wanda and I had made plans to take her out to celebrate.

I didn't want to go.  I wanted to go home from work and lay on the couch and not talk to anyone.  But I couldn't back out.  And I'm so glad I didn't.  These girls were like sunshine to my soul.

We did a progressive dinner.  And laughed hysterically everywhere we went.  Our first stop was the Federal Taphouse for appetizers.

We have this other friend, Courtney.  Who lives in Oregon.  But we had a fourth chair so we pretended she was there with us.

You're looking at wings, french fries fried in duck fat (I didn't even know this was a thing.  Thanks for the tip, Mitchell), and a plate of breads and spreads.  We had happy taste buds.

We walked a few blocks to The Pressroom where we had dinner.  And worked on a plan to become food critics so we can eat lots of deliciousness and get paid for it.

I mostly forget what was on this pizza besides fresh rosemary and red onion.  It was awesome.  Just take my word for it.

We then moved on to the convention center.  There were reindeer right inside the door just begging to be kissed.

We took the elevator to the 19th floor where you can look out over the whole city.  It was beautiful.

Then we returned to the first floor and had dessert in The Penn Square grill.  I forget the exact name of this thing (maybe I wouldn't make a stellar food critic) but it had words like: apple, hot, glazed, cinnamon, honey, ice cream.  Yum.

Fast forward to today.  It's Christmas Eve Eve.  And it's cloudy.  

Again.

I read these words this morning from The Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp: 

"The wilderness offers you grace: we are most prepared for Christ, for Christmas, when we confess we are mostly not prepared...He comes for you in the wildernesses.  You are most prepared for Christmas when you are done trying to make your performance into the gift and instead revel in His presence as the Gift.  That is all there is left in these last days of the Advent road - the sacredness of His presence saturating everything."

Jake was singing a Christmas carol this morning.  He was singing The First Noel.  Except he doesn't know the word 'noel'.  And he interpreted it as two words.  "No ow."  

I'm longing for a Christmas with no ow.  All you have to do is turn on the news to know that many people are experiencing a Christmas with pain.

And maybe you aren't on the news but your Christmas season hasn't been all tinsel and eggnog.  There's broken relationships, broken dreams, broken down bodies.

Or maybe you are just simply missing the sun.

The good news is this:  there's ALWAYS the Son.  No matter what circumstances you face, Jesus doesn't leave.  Matthew tells us this: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him 'Immanuel' - which means, "God with us."

God. With us.

God.  With us.

It never fails to still me.  My breathing slows and my heart runs out my eyes.  Jesus has chosen to be with us.  With me.

Jake was singing another song.  One he made up.  The tune was unrecognizable but the words were powerful.

"Glory in the highest, He loves everyone."

Merry Christmas!

AHHHHH!!!!

Guess what's behind me on the counter?  Yup, the groceries.  Except I can't care about that right now.  

BECAUSE THE SUN IS SHINING SO I CANNOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

It came out on my way home from the grocery store.  I considered ditching my car so I could just stand outside but since I was only a mile from home I figured I'd be responsible, finish the drive, and THEN stand outside.

I got 3 texts within 5 minutes asking me if I was seeing the sun.  My sister-in-law, my mom, and a dear co-worker.  Thank you, Shandella, Mom, and Ashley for making sure I was seeing the light.

I stood in my backyard, face turned upward like a flower, eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, the gentle breeze blowing like the breath of Jesus.  Hallelujah, Glory!

And then the @#$% dog started barking and scared the crap out of me.

I took pictures of the sun shining on my floor and my porch.  I even took a selfie out on the porch:

I don't even think I can begin to explain to you how different the sun makes me feel.  So I'm not even gonna try.

I came inside and checked the internet.  One of you posted a picture of the sun breaking thru the clouds to my facebook wall.  One of you wrote a comment "The sun is out!"  One of you sent me a private message saying you see the sun along with a picture.  Thank you, Denise, Sarah, and Danielle.

One of you called me to make sure I was seeing the sun.  Thank you, Gina.

I feel completely loved and slightly giddy.

Also, I posted this photo this morning on Facebook:

My status said: "wearing this as a reminder on sunless day #10. there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. I'm grateful for my beautiful friend, Wanda at Pearls N Joy who made this ring. And i'm grateful for Ann Voskamp and her amazing book "one thousand gifts". And i'm grateful for Courtney who gave me Ann's book. You ladies bless my life"

You guys, ANN VOSKAMP 'LIKED' MY PHOTO.

My life is now complete.

I'm sorry for the drama, apparently the sun will do that to me.

Have an amazing, sun filled day!!