Grace

Grace

This morning I read Ephesians 2:1-10.  And it prompted the following thoughts.  I'm sharing here, word for word, what I wrote in my journal this morning. 

The word "grace" draws me.  Maybe because I feel anything but graceful.   My mind automatically goes to dancers.  How they move fluidly with the music.  How clumsy I feel when I try to dance.  How I yearn to move freely in rhythm and grace.

But the idea of gracefulness extends beyond movement.  There are some people who are just so gracious.  Joyce Weaver and Crysti Landis come to mind right away.  Always welcoming, always with a kind word.  But as I write that I know it's not totally true.  Both those women would tell me that they have times of ungraciousness.  I just happen to not see that.

I looked up the word "grace" in the dictionary and it leaves me wanting.  "Unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification."

This is the "religious" meaning of grace.  The combination of those words leaves me feeling cold and dead.  Just like religion.

I'm watching the sunrise as I write this.  The trees with tiny buds are silhouetted against a sky that has gone from black to deep blue to a tinge of yellow, to a combination of tangerine, dusty rose, purple.  It makes my lips turn up in a smile.  It makes my heart feel light.  It makes me feel alive.

Just like grace.

God's grace.

I see grace in the sunrise.  How God can take a life that is as black as night and transform it into a breath-taking masterpiece of light and color.  How something that once seemed dead and hopeless can dawn into something vividly alive and inspiring.

I am undone.

Jesus, do this in me.

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My, the Moon is Bright Tonight

One person in this house has been awake since 2:00am.  Another person has been awake since 2:30am.  And yet another person has been awake since 3:30am.  Ok, the last one is Larry and he doesn't really count because he always gets up that early.  I don't know how he does it.  Much respect to him!

I'm the one who has been awake since 2:00.  I woke up because I had to pee.  Nothing new there.  It's happened almost every night of my life.  When I was younger I remember waking up to go to the bathroom but being afraid to get out of bed because I was sure there was a witch under the bed who would grab my ankles.  Sidenote:  I'm no longer afraid of that.

Anyway, I couldn't fall back asleep and there is nothing I loathe more than lying in bed awake.  So I got up.

I read a few more chapters of this book:

I drank too much some coffee.

I ate ham and dill quiche with a side of roasted asparagus.

I tried something new with my hair.

Ok, I am well aware that it's just two braids and you can barely even see the one in this photo.  But this is a Big Deal for me.  I can put together a fun outfit and awesome jewelery but I am terrible at really girly things like hair, nails, and makeup.  I lay the blame solely at the feet of my mother.  It's her fault that I didn't learn those things.  (She'll say you have to have an interested student to teach.  Whatevs.)  That's why you'll see me with my toenails painted (but probably smudged) and maybe mascara.  Eye shadow too if I'm feeling particularly girly.  And if my hair looks good?  Happy accident.

I watched Netflix.  I won't tell you what or how many episodes.

I read my Bible and journaled.  Nehemiah 2:1b-2.  It gave me some ideas for my two speaking engagements next week.

I HAVE TWO SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS NEXT WEEK!!  WHO IN THE WORLD AM I??

I went upstairs to make my bed and get dressed for the day.  And I heard a little voice say "Mom?".  It was Kye, the child who never sleeps.  He told me he'd been awake since 2:30.  It was now 5:00.  I asked him what he had been doing.  Turns out he had read for a little while and then just looked out the window.  "Mom, it's full moon.  The front yard was so bright.  It's really beautiful."

Firstly, I'm thrilled that I'm raising a son who notices beauty.  I hope he always talks about things he finds beautiful.  Secondly, I had noticed the moon too.  I've long been drawn by the beauty of the night sky.  "The heavens declare the glory of God..." and all that jazz. And I've long suspected that the moon and it's cycles affect my moods and behaviors.  I've never bothered documenting anything but I bet there's an app for that.

With Kye and I both being awake super early, I had a new suspicion about the moon.  And so I googled "Does the full moon effect sleep patterns" and I read some really interesting articles.  Turns out the findings are inconclusive.  But it seems possible that the moon can affect sleep patterns.  People who participated in the sleep studies had greater difficulty falling asleep and remaining asleep during full moon.  Women seemed to be effected more than men.  On average, people slept 20 minutes less during full moon.  

20 minutes less.

Not 4 hours less.

Hmmm.

Now I'm sitting in full daylight, having seen the beauty of the full moon and the breath-taking sunrise.  Maybe the full moon had something to do with my lack of sleep.  Or maybe Jesus wanted me to see two different kinds of beauty.  Or maybe He was making sure I had time to spend with him.

I told him last night how I miss him.  It's not his fault, it's mine.  I was on vacation and then I got sick.  I used them both as an excuse to not get up early.  As a result of not getting up early I've had no time alone.  And as a result of having no time alone I've spent little to no time in the Word.  

Tomorrow is Good Friday.

The day my Jesus, whom I claim to love, faced horrific pain, humiliation, and mockery.  

The day my Jesus bled out and died.  

In my place.

I am deeply ashamed of how little thought I've given to Easter.  I've got excuses but they are just that.  Excuses.

My heart has been unmoved.  But I want to be undone.  To feel in all the deep places.  To stand in utter and complete awe of what Jesus did because of love.

Today I'm asking for Jesus to remove my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh.

Today I want to "stand with arms high and heart abandoned.  In awe of the One who gave it all."

Will you join me?

33

Today was my birthday.  It's one of my favorite days of the year.  Cuz it's all about me.  And I don't even care how selfish that sounds.

Last year on my birthday I did something I'd never done before.  I threw myself a surprise birthday party.  It was fantastic.

This year I'm doing something I never did before.  I'm spending my birthday in Atlanta.  My sister, her two littles, and I are staying with my brother and sister-in-law.

If you read between the lines there this is what you heard:  I have 0 people I need to take care of.  In fact, I spent the whole day relaxing.  I didn't do anything for anybody.

Here's the run down of how my day went:

12:00 am:  We're in the car almost to Atlanta

12:11 am: Tiana finally remembers to say "Happy Birthday!"

12:54 am: We arrive at Travis and Nell's

2:04 am: I'm laying in bed, sending a happy birthday email to my friend, Rachael.  

3:40 am: I recieve a happy birthday text from Larry.  Thankfully my phone is on silent and I remain dead to the world

6:01 am: I recieve a happy birthday text from Shandella.  See above.

6:45 am: Little girls wake up so big girls do too.

7:15 am: I get breakfast in bed

I forget the rest of the times but here's what else went down today:

I recieved one million "happy birthday"s on facebook and smiled over each one.  Thank you!

I took a long hot shower and someone barged in on me. This made me feel like I was at home.

I drank coffee from a super cool mug.

I went for a walk with my sister and nieces.  There were daffodils, hyacinths, and forsythia blooming.  Be still my heart.

I went to a park with my sister, sister-in-law, and nieces.  We met two brothers named Kye and Cole.

      

                                             

                                                                     

We came home, had lunch, and took naps.

We started watching "Frozen".

I talked to my peeps on the phone.  One child wanted to know everything I ate today.  I wanted to lie and say all fruits and veggies but I told the truth: donuts, cheetos, and chicken salad.  I'm old enough to make my own bad decisions.

Trav made us some deep dish pizza for supper.  And also cocktails.

Then we just chilled.

I'm now enjoying what is often my favorite part of the day.  The time that I am alone.

I LOVE the people I spent time with today.  And the people I couldn't be with physically but who I talked to on the phone or via text or facebook.

I really do love people.  I mean, the ones that I know.  I know the best people.

But I still crave that alone time.  I guess it's the way I am wired.  

So, I'm laying here in the dark on my brother's couch, pounding out a blog post and thinking of all of you with warm fuzzies in my heart.  Thank you all for making me feel so loved and special today!  And let's get this one last thing straight:  age is just a number.  I'm never gonna be old.

I Should Be...

It's not putting away groceries this time.  I should be doing a million other things.  You see, in 50 hours I am leaving my family for a week.  My sister, her two sweet babies, and I are leaving for a road trip.  Headed south to Atlanta to see our brother and sister-in-law.  Then over to Savannah to see Tiana's in-laws and meet a new little baby. 

And we are excited!!!

And I should be packing, doing laundry, making food, checking things off my list.

But instead I am blogging.  Because I am overwhelmed. 

 I may have sent my sister a text this morning saying this: "As soon as I woke up this morning my mind went crazy with everything I need to do in the next two days and I ended up in a fetal position wondering how I'll ever get it all done."

Sometimes I like to be dramatic.

So I tried to start packing.  Have you ever wondered how a (self diagnosed) person with ADD prepares for a week away?  The answer is this:  in piles.

Oh, sweet Jesus, I need your help.

In addition to the piles of stuff, I have piles of emotion.

In one pile we have excitement.  Tiana and I have never road tripped together.  Clearly, we are both amazingly fun and so this will be EPIC.

Also, as much as I love my kids, it will be refreshing to have a break from them.  Not gonna lie, yesterday at church I went to the bathroom just to get away from them.  Judge me however you will.

Thirdly, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON THURSDAY!!!!!  I love my birthday, I love being the center of attention on that day.  If you do not text me or wish me a happy birthday on Facebook I will know and remember forever.  The end.

In another emotion pile we have stress and tangled thoughts.  This is why I need lists.  They are my savior.  Ok, Jesus is my savior.  But lists are his right hand man.  Deep breath, it'll all get done.  Probably.

The last emotion pile is sadness.  This one didn't crop up until 2 or 3 days ago.  It's been 12.5 years since I've been away from Larry for this long.  5.75 years since I've been away from my oldest three kids for this long.  NEVER have I been away from Jake for a whole week.

I'm gonna miss my peeps.

But someone else is going to make food for me all week so that brings me right back around to the excitement pile :)

Hospitality Part 2

This morning I read a cross reference for Romans 12:13.

Matthew 25:35 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in."

Which prompted these thoughts:

Hospitality is not a 4 course meal.  Hospitality is not champagne and caviar.  Hospitality is not perfectly decorated, perfectly clean, perfectly PERFECT.

I have been hospitable and been offered hospitality in a variety of different ways.  The following examples involve many of you, do you remember?

Hospitality is drinking coffee on the front porch rockers.

Hospitality is sipping tea at the kitchen island with dirty dishes in the sink.

Hospitality is chatting while you pick strawberries under the warm spring sun.

Hospitality is sharing a frozen pizza while talking about life.

Hospitality is a quinoa and egg casserole at the dinning room table with the pink carpet strewn with toys.

Hospitality is taking a nap on a black leather couch after an early morning airport run.

Hospitality is laying on the floor using your friend's laptop while they fold laundry.

Hospitality is Lucky Charms and couch cushion forts.

Hospitality is chocolate cake with applesauce and a game of skipbo.

Hospitality is sandwiches with fresh garden lettuce.

Hospitality is brownie sundaes and decaf coffee.

Hospitality is a campfire and hot dog buns that taste like mothballs.

Hospitality is popcorn and games and 9 noisy kids on a snowy night.

Hospitality is soaking up the sun sitting by the pool.

Hospitality is sitting around a big table with a bunch of girls, jalapeno popper quiche, and cinnamon rolls.

Hospitality is a sleep over in your Jr High youth leaders basement and watching a movie you'll never forget.

What is your favorite way you've been offered hospitality?

Hospitality vs. Entertaining

Good morning!  I've been MIA in the blogosphere and for once, I'm ok with that.  Remember, this is my season of nothing?  It's been so good.  And of course, now that I have something I want to blog about, the little monsters who live in my house are losing their crap over E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G this morning.

Please shut up so I can think and write.

Of course I didn't say that out loud.  I merely screamed "DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!  WHY DO I STILL HEAR YOU TALKING???"

It's a dramatic morning.

Anywho, I've been reading this book:

sidenote: I'm sorry the lighting is weird.  But not sorry enough to move the book and try again.

My awesome neighbor, Michelle, invited me to come to a book study at her house on Wednesday mornings to talk about this book. I enthusiastically agreed and have since showed up only once because I'm the worst person in the world.

But I'm still reading it on my own and that counts for something, right?

This book is all about learning to study the Bible on your own.  You know, you, the Holy Spirit, and scripture.  And journaling.  It's probably why I haven't gone insane from not blogging.  My thoughts are still coming out, just on paper instead of the interweb.

This morning's scripture was Romans 12:9-21.  Lots of really good stuff.  And the book listed some footnotes from different translations and encouraged you to choose one footnote as a journaling prompt.

The footnote I chose was for Romans 12:13 which says "Share with God's people who are in need.  Practice hospitality."

I would have said that hospitality is one of my gifts.  But this winter, dealing with seasonal affective disorder, I have not been hospitable.

Or so I thought, before I read this footnote:

"Christian hospitality differs from social entertaining.  Entertaining focuses on the host-the home must be spotless; the food must be well prepared and abundant; the host must appear relaxed and good-natured.  Hospitality, by contrast, focuses on the guests.  Their needs - whether for a place to stay, nourishing food, a listening ear, or acceptance are the primary concern.  Hospitality can happen in a messy home.  It can happen around a dinner table where the main dish is canned soup.  It can even happen while the host and the guest are doing chores together. Don't hesitate to offer hospitality just because you are too tired, too busy, or not wealthy enough to entertain."

Those words cause an avalanche of thoughts.

1. I have confused hospitality and entertaining.

2. Entertaining is not wrong, it can be fun!

3. Entertaining and hospitality can happen together, in my opinion.

4.  They can also happen separately.

5.  For me, in this season, they need  to happen separately.

6.  I cannot entertain right now.  It feels too big.  All or Nothing.

7.  I can be (and in fact have been) hospitable right now.

8.  Hospitality is about opening your heart more than opening your  home.

So if you are in need of some hospitality, come on over.  I'll make you some coffee.  And maybe open a can of soup. 

And have you help fold my laundry.  :)

Is It Full Moon?

Weird stuff is happening around here today. 

*Kye went to school with his toes poking out of his shoes because for some reason he never thought to tell me his shoes were broken.

* I wore a scarf over my sweater to hide the fact that a button had fallen off.

* A mennonite guy fell off his bike RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.  Praise Jesus, Larry swerved in time and we didn't hit him.  My heart did funny things for a few miles.

* I asked a complete stranger if I could pray for her grandson.

* I started taking antidepressants.

Ok, the first one (I think) is typical of kids.  Especially boy kids.  It still makes me feel like a bad parent.  Oh well, new shoes comin' up tomorrow!

The second one is just me being lazy.  I have a needle and thread and am fully capable of sewing a button back on.  But, meh.  Wrapping a scarf around my neck is a heck of a lot faster.

Number 3.  Holy Cow.

So, the stranger?  Larry and I went to September Farm for supper tonight.  We'd never been there before but heard great things about it.  Three words:  Fried Cheese Curds.  I know, I know.  Ew, they have a terrible name.  But your taste buds don't care what those deliciously gooey things are called.  Trust me on this, eat them.  

Anyway, we ate our dinner, wandered around the store, and then went to order some ice cream.  While we were ordering, an older lady comes in and gets behind us.  

"I know, it's crazy to be getting ice cream on a night like this," she says to me. 

"There's no bad time for ice cream, " I say like a girl who works in an ice cream shop.

Ok, technically this is the ice cream truck, but you get the picture.

"You see," she continues, "my grandson is having a serious surgery on Friday.  Today his mother sent me a picture of the two of them eating ice cream in the hospital with the words 'There's nothing like ice cream to make you feel better'."

And I did see.  She wanted to join them in the ice cream eating.  She wanted to feel better.  

Then, The Nudge.  Have you felt it?  When Jesus says, "Ask if you can pray".  And I hiss back, "REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE ME AN INTROVERT?!"  Then Jesus gives you The Look.

Ok, not really.  But I can see him looking at me like that in my minds eye.

"Can I pray with you about your grandson?" I hear myself say.

"What?" she says.

"Can I pray with you about your grandson?" I repeat.

Look of surprise, "Well, yes."

"What's his name?"

"Kyle."

So we pray.  Right there in the middle of September Farm, me holding an ice cream cone in one hand and this precious lady's arm in the other.  Her hand covering mine.  We pray for healing, wisdom, complete restoration.  And the September Farm Ice Cream Scooping Girl says "Amen."

I started taking antidepressants today.  My doctor agrees with me that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  She put me on a low dose of Sertraline.  I was reading the paper work that came with the drug on our way to September Farm.

"Antidepressant medications are used to treat a variety of conditions, including depression and other mental/mood disorders."

I have a mental disorder.  There is so much stigma that comes crashing down with those words.  But I know that this is something that is beyond my control.  If I had strep throat, I would take antibiotics to bring healing.  Since I don't have the right balance of serotonin (a brain chemical that affects mood), I will take sertraline to bring healing.

Then there are the side effects.  There was the usual nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, blah, blah, blah.  But then this: "Get medical help right away if any of these rare but serious side effects occur:...vomit that looks like coffee grounds."

What?!

And also this fun paragraph: "Some conditions may become worse when this drug is suddenly stopped.  Also, you may experience symptoms such as mood swings, headaches, tiredness, sleep changes, and brief feelings similar to electric shock."


Brief feelings similar to electric shock, huh?

Here's the bottom line:  I'm broken, just like Kye's shoes.  I have a mental disorder and to help balance my brain I'm taking a medication that could (but probably won't) make my vomit look like coffee grounds and make me feel like I'm being electrocuted. 

And Jesus asked me to pray for a woman tonight who needed to know she is loved.

No more excuses, k?  Jesus uses the broken for his glory.

Go get 'em.