33

Today was my birthday.  It's one of my favorite days of the year.  Cuz it's all about me.  And I don't even care how selfish that sounds.

Last year on my birthday I did something I'd never done before.  I threw myself a surprise birthday party.  It was fantastic.

This year I'm doing something I never did before.  I'm spending my birthday in Atlanta.  My sister, her two littles, and I are staying with my brother and sister-in-law.

If you read between the lines there this is what you heard:  I have 0 people I need to take care of.  In fact, I spent the whole day relaxing.  I didn't do anything for anybody.

Here's the run down of how my day went:

12:00 am:  We're in the car almost to Atlanta

12:11 am: Tiana finally remembers to say "Happy Birthday!"

12:54 am: We arrive at Travis and Nell's

2:04 am: I'm laying in bed, sending a happy birthday email to my friend, Rachael.  

3:40 am: I recieve a happy birthday text from Larry.  Thankfully my phone is on silent and I remain dead to the world

6:01 am: I recieve a happy birthday text from Shandella.  See above.

6:45 am: Little girls wake up so big girls do too.

7:15 am: I get breakfast in bed

I forget the rest of the times but here's what else went down today:

I recieved one million "happy birthday"s on facebook and smiled over each one.  Thank you!

I took a long hot shower and someone barged in on me. This made me feel like I was at home.

I drank coffee from a super cool mug.

I went for a walk with my sister and nieces.  There were daffodils, hyacinths, and forsythia blooming.  Be still my heart.

I went to a park with my sister, sister-in-law, and nieces.  We met two brothers named Kye and Cole.

      

                                             

                                                                     

We came home, had lunch, and took naps.

We started watching "Frozen".

I talked to my peeps on the phone.  One child wanted to know everything I ate today.  I wanted to lie and say all fruits and veggies but I told the truth: donuts, cheetos, and chicken salad.  I'm old enough to make my own bad decisions.

Trav made us some deep dish pizza for supper.  And also cocktails.

Then we just chilled.

I'm now enjoying what is often my favorite part of the day.  The time that I am alone.

I LOVE the people I spent time with today.  And the people I couldn't be with physically but who I talked to on the phone or via text or facebook.

I really do love people.  I mean, the ones that I know.  I know the best people.

But I still crave that alone time.  I guess it's the way I am wired.  

So, I'm laying here in the dark on my brother's couch, pounding out a blog post and thinking of all of you with warm fuzzies in my heart.  Thank you all for making me feel so loved and special today!  And let's get this one last thing straight:  age is just a number.  I'm never gonna be old.

I Should Be...

It's not putting away groceries this time.  I should be doing a million other things.  You see, in 50 hours I am leaving my family for a week.  My sister, her two sweet babies, and I are leaving for a road trip.  Headed south to Atlanta to see our brother and sister-in-law.  Then over to Savannah to see Tiana's in-laws and meet a new little baby. 

And we are excited!!!

And I should be packing, doing laundry, making food, checking things off my list.

But instead I am blogging.  Because I am overwhelmed. 

 I may have sent my sister a text this morning saying this: "As soon as I woke up this morning my mind went crazy with everything I need to do in the next two days and I ended up in a fetal position wondering how I'll ever get it all done."

Sometimes I like to be dramatic.

So I tried to start packing.  Have you ever wondered how a (self diagnosed) person with ADD prepares for a week away?  The answer is this:  in piles.

Oh, sweet Jesus, I need your help.

In addition to the piles of stuff, I have piles of emotion.

In one pile we have excitement.  Tiana and I have never road tripped together.  Clearly, we are both amazingly fun and so this will be EPIC.

Also, as much as I love my kids, it will be refreshing to have a break from them.  Not gonna lie, yesterday at church I went to the bathroom just to get away from them.  Judge me however you will.

Thirdly, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON THURSDAY!!!!!  I love my birthday, I love being the center of attention on that day.  If you do not text me or wish me a happy birthday on Facebook I will know and remember forever.  The end.

In another emotion pile we have stress and tangled thoughts.  This is why I need lists.  They are my savior.  Ok, Jesus is my savior.  But lists are his right hand man.  Deep breath, it'll all get done.  Probably.

The last emotion pile is sadness.  This one didn't crop up until 2 or 3 days ago.  It's been 12.5 years since I've been away from Larry for this long.  5.75 years since I've been away from my oldest three kids for this long.  NEVER have I been away from Jake for a whole week.

I'm gonna miss my peeps.

But someone else is going to make food for me all week so that brings me right back around to the excitement pile :)

Hospitality Part 2

This morning I read a cross reference for Romans 12:13.

Matthew 25:35 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in."

Which prompted these thoughts:

Hospitality is not a 4 course meal.  Hospitality is not champagne and caviar.  Hospitality is not perfectly decorated, perfectly clean, perfectly PERFECT.

I have been hospitable and been offered hospitality in a variety of different ways.  The following examples involve many of you, do you remember?

Hospitality is drinking coffee on the front porch rockers.

Hospitality is sipping tea at the kitchen island with dirty dishes in the sink.

Hospitality is chatting while you pick strawberries under the warm spring sun.

Hospitality is sharing a frozen pizza while talking about life.

Hospitality is a quinoa and egg casserole at the dinning room table with the pink carpet strewn with toys.

Hospitality is taking a nap on a black leather couch after an early morning airport run.

Hospitality is laying on the floor using your friend's laptop while they fold laundry.

Hospitality is Lucky Charms and couch cushion forts.

Hospitality is chocolate cake with applesauce and a game of skipbo.

Hospitality is sandwiches with fresh garden lettuce.

Hospitality is brownie sundaes and decaf coffee.

Hospitality is a campfire and hot dog buns that taste like mothballs.

Hospitality is popcorn and games and 9 noisy kids on a snowy night.

Hospitality is soaking up the sun sitting by the pool.

Hospitality is sitting around a big table with a bunch of girls, jalapeno popper quiche, and cinnamon rolls.

Hospitality is a sleep over in your Jr High youth leaders basement and watching a movie you'll never forget.

What is your favorite way you've been offered hospitality?

Hospitality vs. Entertaining

Good morning!  I've been MIA in the blogosphere and for once, I'm ok with that.  Remember, this is my season of nothing?  It's been so good.  And of course, now that I have something I want to blog about, the little monsters who live in my house are losing their crap over E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G this morning.

Please shut up so I can think and write.

Of course I didn't say that out loud.  I merely screamed "DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!  WHY DO I STILL HEAR YOU TALKING???"

It's a dramatic morning.

Anywho, I've been reading this book:

sidenote: I'm sorry the lighting is weird.  But not sorry enough to move the book and try again.

My awesome neighbor, Michelle, invited me to come to a book study at her house on Wednesday mornings to talk about this book. I enthusiastically agreed and have since showed up only once because I'm the worst person in the world.

But I'm still reading it on my own and that counts for something, right?

This book is all about learning to study the Bible on your own.  You know, you, the Holy Spirit, and scripture.  And journaling.  It's probably why I haven't gone insane from not blogging.  My thoughts are still coming out, just on paper instead of the interweb.

This morning's scripture was Romans 12:9-21.  Lots of really good stuff.  And the book listed some footnotes from different translations and encouraged you to choose one footnote as a journaling prompt.

The footnote I chose was for Romans 12:13 which says "Share with God's people who are in need.  Practice hospitality."

I would have said that hospitality is one of my gifts.  But this winter, dealing with seasonal affective disorder, I have not been hospitable.

Or so I thought, before I read this footnote:

"Christian hospitality differs from social entertaining.  Entertaining focuses on the host-the home must be spotless; the food must be well prepared and abundant; the host must appear relaxed and good-natured.  Hospitality, by contrast, focuses on the guests.  Their needs - whether for a place to stay, nourishing food, a listening ear, or acceptance are the primary concern.  Hospitality can happen in a messy home.  It can happen around a dinner table where the main dish is canned soup.  It can even happen while the host and the guest are doing chores together. Don't hesitate to offer hospitality just because you are too tired, too busy, or not wealthy enough to entertain."

Those words cause an avalanche of thoughts.

1. I have confused hospitality and entertaining.

2. Entertaining is not wrong, it can be fun!

3. Entertaining and hospitality can happen together, in my opinion.

4.  They can also happen separately.

5.  For me, in this season, they need  to happen separately.

6.  I cannot entertain right now.  It feels too big.  All or Nothing.

7.  I can be (and in fact have been) hospitable right now.

8.  Hospitality is about opening your heart more than opening your  home.

So if you are in need of some hospitality, come on over.  I'll make you some coffee.  And maybe open a can of soup. 

And have you help fold my laundry.  :)

Is It Full Moon?

Weird stuff is happening around here today. 

*Kye went to school with his toes poking out of his shoes because for some reason he never thought to tell me his shoes were broken.

* I wore a scarf over my sweater to hide the fact that a button had fallen off.

* A mennonite guy fell off his bike RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.  Praise Jesus, Larry swerved in time and we didn't hit him.  My heart did funny things for a few miles.

* I asked a complete stranger if I could pray for her grandson.

* I started taking antidepressants.

Ok, the first one (I think) is typical of kids.  Especially boy kids.  It still makes me feel like a bad parent.  Oh well, new shoes comin' up tomorrow!

The second one is just me being lazy.  I have a needle and thread and am fully capable of sewing a button back on.  But, meh.  Wrapping a scarf around my neck is a heck of a lot faster.

Number 3.  Holy Cow.

So, the stranger?  Larry and I went to September Farm for supper tonight.  We'd never been there before but heard great things about it.  Three words:  Fried Cheese Curds.  I know, I know.  Ew, they have a terrible name.  But your taste buds don't care what those deliciously gooey things are called.  Trust me on this, eat them.  

Anyway, we ate our dinner, wandered around the store, and then went to order some ice cream.  While we were ordering, an older lady comes in and gets behind us.  

"I know, it's crazy to be getting ice cream on a night like this," she says to me. 

"There's no bad time for ice cream, " I say like a girl who works in an ice cream shop.

Ok, technically this is the ice cream truck, but you get the picture.

"You see," she continues, "my grandson is having a serious surgery on Friday.  Today his mother sent me a picture of the two of them eating ice cream in the hospital with the words 'There's nothing like ice cream to make you feel better'."

And I did see.  She wanted to join them in the ice cream eating.  She wanted to feel better.  

Then, The Nudge.  Have you felt it?  When Jesus says, "Ask if you can pray".  And I hiss back, "REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE ME AN INTROVERT?!"  Then Jesus gives you The Look.

Ok, not really.  But I can see him looking at me like that in my minds eye.

"Can I pray with you about your grandson?" I hear myself say.

"What?" she says.

"Can I pray with you about your grandson?" I repeat.

Look of surprise, "Well, yes."

"What's his name?"

"Kyle."

So we pray.  Right there in the middle of September Farm, me holding an ice cream cone in one hand and this precious lady's arm in the other.  Her hand covering mine.  We pray for healing, wisdom, complete restoration.  And the September Farm Ice Cream Scooping Girl says "Amen."

I started taking antidepressants today.  My doctor agrees with me that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  She put me on a low dose of Sertraline.  I was reading the paper work that came with the drug on our way to September Farm.

"Antidepressant medications are used to treat a variety of conditions, including depression and other mental/mood disorders."

I have a mental disorder.  There is so much stigma that comes crashing down with those words.  But I know that this is something that is beyond my control.  If I had strep throat, I would take antibiotics to bring healing.  Since I don't have the right balance of serotonin (a brain chemical that affects mood), I will take sertraline to bring healing.

Then there are the side effects.  There was the usual nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, blah, blah, blah.  But then this: "Get medical help right away if any of these rare but serious side effects occur:...vomit that looks like coffee grounds."

What?!

And also this fun paragraph: "Some conditions may become worse when this drug is suddenly stopped.  Also, you may experience symptoms such as mood swings, headaches, tiredness, sleep changes, and brief feelings similar to electric shock."


Brief feelings similar to electric shock, huh?

Here's the bottom line:  I'm broken, just like Kye's shoes.  I have a mental disorder and to help balance my brain I'm taking a medication that could (but probably won't) make my vomit look like coffee grounds and make me feel like I'm being electrocuted. 

And Jesus asked me to pray for a woman tonight who needed to know she is loved.

No more excuses, k?  Jesus uses the broken for his glory.

Go get 'em.

Practice What You Preach

Guess what?  Sometimes I don't.  Please see the following story for evidence.  

On Sunday I got to teach the Jr. High girl's Sunday school class.  In typical Tara fashion I didn't know what I was going to talk about until Sunday morning.  After some prayer I felt led to read that day's Jesus Calling to the girls.  So that's what I did.  I read it slowly.  And then we wrote down single words on the board that stood out to us.

Enfold

Radiance

Glory

Still

Sacrifice

Transformed

Yield

Creative

Tempo

God-breathed

I could write a blog post on each of these words.  My favorite from this list?  Tempo and God-breathed.  I know that's two.  C'mon, you know me well enough by now to know that I can't just pick one favorite ANYTHING.

But back to Sunday.  We focused on the words "glory" and "sacrifice".   Two of the scriptures that went with Sunday's reading were as follows:

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name." ~ Hebrews 13:15

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." ~ 2 Corinthians 3:18

Not gonna lie, that 2 Corinthians verse freaks me out a little.  There is a lot to unpack in that sentence.  The part that I want to focus on is the "unveiled faces" reference which took us back to Exodus and Moses.

The part where God COVERS MOSES WITH HIS HAND IN THE CLEFT OF A ROCK.  I'm sorry to yell but it just never hit me so hard before.  Can you even imagine?!  Literally being covered by the hand of God.  I cried when I read it out loud to the girls.  And then God removed his hand and let Moses see the back of him.

Moses spent a long time on the mountain with God.  And when he came down "he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord."  He ended up putting a veil over his face.

So we talked about glory.  That part was fun.  Then we talked about sacrifice.

Ew.

Sacrifice is messy.  In the Old Testament it required blood.  Sacrifice is time consuming.  People used to make journeys to a specific place to make their sacrifice.  
Sacrifice is heart breaking.  When Jesus hung on the cross, making the ultimate sacrifice, he called out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Is there any feeling more desperate than feeling forsaken by God?

We talked about two different kinds of sacrifice: the sacrifice of time and the sacrifice of praise.

The sacrifice of time happens when we choose to dedicate time to Jesus.  Maybe it's getting up early and sacrificing sleep so you can read the Bible.  Maybe it's skipping going to a movie with your friends because the movie isn't honoring to Jesus.  Maybe it's going to bed early on Saturday night so that you aren't groggy and falling asleep during Sunday's sermon.  Whatever it is, sacrificing our time isn't always easy.

Then there's the sacrifice of praise.  What does that even mean?  "Sacrifice" and "Praise" almost seem like they could be opposites. "Sacrifice" induces an uncomfortable feeling while "praise" makes me think of music and dancing.

But what about the hard days?  When the sun hasn't shone for days.  When it feels like everything you've tried to teach your kids is falling on deaf ears.  When you believe the lies of the devil.  When you feel worthless, run down, wrung out.

What then?

Is it not a sacrifice to dig deep and say "Jesus, I praise you for..."?

I told my Jr. High girls that it's ok to pray "Jesus, today was crappy."  But then follow that up with "Can You remind me of something I can be thankful for today?"  Bring the sacrifice of praise.

And here comes the part where I didn't practice what I preached.

Monday was a rough day for me.  Nothing in particular happened that was bad.  But I felt worthless, run down, wrung out.  And so did I say "Jesus, today is crappy.  Can You remind me of something I can be thankful for today?"?

Nope.  I self-medicated with Netflix.

That was an ugly, ugly sentence to type.

But on Tuesday I did practice something that I preach.  You know how I am always harping on being real with each other?  Yeah, I'm not always my realest real.  See how I tried to justify that?!  I'm kinda real sometimes...

Anyway, on Tuesday I had coffee with a dear friend.  And I was really real.  I told her that this winter has been especially rough.  How I think I have SAD.  How I have a doctor appointment on Monday and I want to talk to the Dr. about medication.  How I am struggling with anxiety as well.

And now I've told all of you too.

This dear friend grabbed me up in a hug and prayed over me.

I HATE being on the needy end of things.  It feels so much better being the one to take care of somebody else.

But it's like Crysti reminded me in a text this morning:

"Times ebb and flow.  You have cared for me in the past, now it's my turn.  And around and around it will go.  Then we are each blessed to give and each blessed to receive... just as Jesus designed."

She promised to pray for me but she also did something practical as well.  She gave me Frankincense.  I'm cracking up as I type that! Yeah, like I'm the little baby Jesus, she gave me Frankincense.

If you know about essential oils, you know Frankincense is one.  I don't know much about essential oils but Crysti says this one is supposed to help with my mood.  "Still talk to your Doctor," she says, "But maybe this will help until then."

So, this morning I rubbed some on my wrists.  And can I tell you?  I feel awesome.

Maybe it's the Frankincense.  Maybe it's that the sun is shining for the second day in a row.  Maybe it's that Crysti is praying for me.

I'm guessing it's the combination of all three.

I want my face to shine with the Glory of God.  I want to be real.  I want to encourage you.  I want you to encourage me.  Maybe it takes oil.  Maybe it takes medication.  Maybe it takes sunshine.  It certainly takes Jesus.

May your life and mine reflect the Glory of God as we bring the sacrifices of time and praise.  And may we practice what we preach. 

All or Nothing

Those are the words I use to describe myself.  I have a hard time with middle ground.  This is how it looks in real life:

If I can't clean my whole house in one day I don't clean at all.

If I don't have time to exercise for 20-30 minutes I don't exercise at all.

If I can't keep my garden completely weed free I don't weed at all.

If I don't have time for a nice long hot shower I don't shower at all (TMI? So sorry.)

If I am overwhelmed by the length of my To-Do list I don't do anything at all.

I am a little better when it comes to entertainment but in a perfect world I would:

Start and finish a book in one sitting.

Watch all the episodes/seasons of a TV series in one sitting.

Watch movies and their sequels all in one sitting.

My all or nothing mentality even spills over into deeper things.

There are SO many people I love and want to keep up with.  But I get overwhelmed and I shut people out.

There are SO many things to pray about.  But I get overwhelmed and I don't pray at all.

There are SO many spiritual lessons that I want to keep at the forefront of my brain. But I get overwhelmed and I don't remember anything at all.

This past season has felt like a season of All.  And I'm burned out.  So I've entered the season of Nothing.  Which is most likely why I've not blogged for 3 weeks.

I've been spending lots of time at home.  And can I tell you?  I love it.

But then I feel guilty.  Because there are all these things I should be doing.

I should be doing more at work.

I should be doing more with my friends.

I should be doing more for my family.

These are the expectations I put on myself.  I am my own worst enemy.

Why am I sharing all this with you?  

It feels raw.

It feels messy.

It feels humbling.

But here's the thing.  I KNOW some of you must feel the same way.  Satan would have us believe we are all alone in our struggles, that no one else would understand.

Satan is the father of lies.  I know this to be true.  And so I trust the Spirit's prompting to share how I feel with you.

There are two purposes to this blog post.

#1.  If you are an All or Nothing person I want you to know you are not alone.

#2.  If you are an All or Nothing person who is wiser than me, I want your help.

How do you do life?  How do you create Middle Ground that you feel ok about?  Especially in the Important things like People, Prayer, and Jesus?  How do you combat Satan's lies that you are Too Much and at the same time Not Enough?

If you are brave enough to let me know you struggle in the same way I would welcome your Spirit led wisdom.  And I think Jesus will be glorified if we are willing to be real and help each other along the sometimes bumpy path of Life.