All Alone

This weekend finds me in the unique position of being by myself.  My fabulous husband has taken the kids to the cabin to spend time with his extended family.  And I would have happily gone along.  We love spending quality time with great people at such a relaxing spot.

But I was already committed to working and we are short staffed.  And a very dear friend is sharing at church tomorrow and I want to be there for her.  And, gut level honesty?  A weekend all to myself sounded like a small slice of heaven.

Please hear me on this:  I love my husband and children with a wild, deep, passionate love.  Don't ever forget it.

But I am also an introvert and a hermit by nature.  And I'm also not good at saying "no".  The reality is this:  I've been too busy lately.  Nobody is to blame but myself, I'm not pointing any fingers here except at myself.

In January the Lord gave me two words for this year:  slow and deliberate.  I've pretty much tossed them back in his face.

Side note:  This is me drinking coke at 10:48 am.  Because I can.  Nobody is here to say it's not fair.  Also, I've drunk half a pot of coffee and almost zero water.  It's probably good I don't always live alone.

Because, for me, doing is much easier than being.    But doing all the time is making me tired.

Enter my weekend alone.  I've not had so much alone time since the 3.5 months I lived by myself before Larry and I got married.  12 years ago.  Sure, Larry and I have had weekends away from the kids and those weekends are awesome.  Sure, I've had girls weekends and those weekends are beyond description. 

But a whole weekend alone?!   Ahhh...

So, let me tell you what I've done today.  I woke up around 7:20 and just laid there, drifting in and out until 8:30.  Then I took care of the dog and rescued a puppy who somehow got out of the kennel.  I called Larry.  I read the internet.  I drank coffee.  I read the Bible.  I drank more coffee.  I started reading this book:

I only made it four pages in until I read a sentence that rent my heart and prompted this blog post.

"The Chinese have two characters for the English word busyness,  which they define as "heart annihilation."

To which I had this eloquent thought:  "Holy crap."

I hear myself saying it all.the.time.  when people ask how I am.

"Busy."  Or "Crazy busy".

What if when people ask how I am, instead of saying "busy", I said "I'm annihilating my heart."

Sobering, isn't it?

Today I'm fighting that annihilation.  It's easy today because no one is demanding my time or energy.  It's now 11:15 and I've done almost 0 productive things.  I'm soon going to go out and mow the yard (everyone out of my way, I'm still not so great at the zero turn thing) and probably think lots of thoughts.

About slowing down.

About being intentional.

About slow and deliberate.

But first I should probably go brush my teeth.  

For Today

I need to pack.

I need to make a grocery list.

I need to make breakfast for my kids.

But first I need to tell you what I read this morning.

I've found that the best way to start my day is with coffee and Jesus.  Not particularly in that order.  But maybe.

Anyhow, this morning I read from the book "Jesus Calling" like I do most mornings.  I know a lot of you read it too.  I love it.  So many times it is right on as far as what I need to hear right now.  I love how the Holy Spirit works.

Today I have a full and potentially stressful day at work.  There's this wedding reception that I'm cooking for.  There's this fear that I might ruin the food, therefore ruin SOMEBODY'S WEDDING RECEPTION!!  Then there's this verse that "Jesus Calling" lead me to:  "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."  ~Prov. 16:3

Now, of course, if your plans are to rob a bank I don't think you can commit that to the Lord and have your plan succeed.  I'm pretty sure that is not a God ordained plan.

But doing my non-law-breaking job?  "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  ~1 Cor. 10:31

So I've committed my day to the Lord.  I've asked for strength, energy, and peace.  And now I need to stop worrying.  Enter another verse from this morning's devo.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"  ~Luke 12:25-26

Did you catch that?  I've been struck by this before.  Jesus says adding an hour to your life is a "very little thing" that he can do.  I have done plenty of worrying in my 32 years but it's never produced even an extra second.  Jesus says adding 3,600 seconds (yay for early morning math!  extra yay for calculators!) is a very little thing for him to do.

He's so much greater than I am.  I stand in awe this morning.  And I say "Jesus, this day is yours.  Use me, please."

For Larry

So many days Larry comes home from work and is interested in my day.  "So, what did you do today?" he asks.

Uh... I'm not sure.   I know I was almost constantly in motion but I'm not exactly sure what all I accomplished.  This is especially true on days I stay home all day.  Like today.

I love Mondays.  I really do.  As a rule I try not to plan anything so I can just stay home and catch up from the weekend.  Today was a catch up kind of day.  

And I decided to photo document it.  

For the first moments of the day I have no photos, though.  The day started by getting kicked in the face by Jake.  He was sleeping in my bed.  Sideways.

Perfect.

So, regular morning stuff like brushing my teeth, getting dressed, coffee, Jesus Calling, checking my email, yada yada yada.

Then I opened the fridge to get breakfast and Jake says, "Can I have that soda?"

Since it was just a tiny little bit and I'm completely tired of food questions and my fridge was just a little too full I said yes.  Judge me however you will.

Then I got my breakfast: 

It's chili mac casserole with hot sauce.  Judge me however you will.

Next up:  tackling the laundry.

This is clean laundry from last week.  Not sure which day.  It's now all folded and put away and that's what really matters.

Somebody thought I should read to him.  Like right now.

I carried this with me all morning so I could write things down and get them out of my messy brain.

I fixed lego planes.

I walked in here to put sheets on somebody's bed.  Then I hyperventilated.  How can they stand to live this way?

Somebody followed me all morning and kept up a running commentary without stopping to breathe.  At all.  I still can't believe we are related.

I thought about this school year and how I will have 6 hours of quiet each week.  I get slightly light headed and super giddy every time I think about it.  I thought about all the books I want to read/reread.

I cut a crying little boy's fingernails.  Apparently another brother mooned him and "that's not nice."

I put away clean dishes.

I watched Jake put a puzzle together.

I did three loads of laundry and hung them out.  Because laundry is eternal.  I'll fold and put them away later this week.

I hand washed more dishes.  They are drying in the sink.  I'll put them away later this week.

I may or may not have eaten this for lunch along with half of Kye's second cheeseburger.  Judge me however you will.

I tackled this mess.  It sucked my very soul.

I don't play with toys at my desk, how do these things end up here?  They enjoyed a short soar thru the air into the family room.

I pushed these in.  One.Million.Times.   This is my pet peeve.

I refilled this. 

So, there you have it.  It was mundane and ordinary and I loved it.

Happy Monday! 

Hanging On

I've sat here for a few minutes after typing my title just staring at the blinking cursor.  For once I may be at a loss for words.  And yet I know getting my thoughts out will be therapeutic.  I'm just unsure how to start.

Today I feel like I am just hanging on.  I know some of you are so not ready for your kids to go back to school and that is awesome.  Hang on tight to the last couple of days and soak in your babies.

I, on the other hand, would love to shove my kids on the bus.  Like, yesterday.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids.  Deeply.  But they are wearing me out.

Oh my goodness.  I just watched this and I laughed until I cried.  Perfect.

This summer has been so full.  Most summers are.  There's a lot going on for all of us.  Vacations, work, pool parties, VBS, day camps, library programs, yard work, gardening, freezing and canning (which, admittedly, I've done 0 of), the list goes on.  

I think what is really burning me out right now is the inability to be alone with my thoughts.  Even as I type this I've told my children several times that I just want to be alone.  Sigh, that's probably not good parenting.  But, my desire is to be real and honest with you guys.  So there you have it, I'm not always a great parent.

Ha!  I just glanced out the patio doors.  Jake is standing on the picnic table with two tennis rackets and the older 3 are throwing around a disgusting soccer ball with the dog.  Whatever.  They're outside.

This summer has also been very emotional.  I've got some dear friends who are walking thru some hard stuff and I've been so honored to hear their hearts.  It's meant some late nights, lots of texts, long hugs, and also some tears.  You guys know who you are.  I love you.  And I'll always exhaust myself for you.  I mean that with all my heart.

So, today I am holding on.  If you have a minute, would you pray for me?  I want to thrive today and not just survive.

And next week when the kids get on the bus?  I might just lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling for a few hours.  Don't judge me.

It's been a week since The Mistake.  A week where every day, several times a day, I looked at the puppies half expecting more to have died.  When they are sleeping, I'm terrified.  Laying on their sides, not moving. 

And then a little twitch here, a tail wag there, an adorable yawn and I can breathe again.

Life is so fragile.

I'm sure many of you were saddened this week to learn of Robin Williams suicide.  I was too.

I'm not even sure how to address the issue of suicide.  I read several blog posts yesterday, Ann Voskamp's being my favorite.  This woman, what a beautiful heart.  If you've never read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann I would encourage you to cancel your life and read it straight thru.

These lines from Ann's post yesterday, they tug at my soul:  

"There are some who take communion and anti-depressants and there are those  who think both are a crutch.

Come in close — I’d rather walk tall with a crutch than crawl around insisting like a proud and bloody fool that I didn’t need one."

Jesus didn't call us to be strong and invincible.  He didn't say that he'd help us if we first help ourselves.

In John 10, Jesus says this "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He goes on to say he is the Good Shepherd and he calls his followers his sheep.


If Jesus thought we should be strong and independent and not show our weaknesses than he would have never called us sheep.


Now, I don't know a ton about sheep, I've not been around them much. But I do know this: They are not strong critters. You don't see photos of sheep being laden with saddles or being packed like a mule. I did find this video of a girl riding a sheep but, dude, that sheep is struggling. It wasn't made to carry that burden. Neither were you.


Sheep are also not independent.

They were made for community. So was I. Being an introvert this is sometimes difficult for me. That last photo of the sheep? Cringe. So many. So close. So much touching.


But a sheep cut off from it's flock? It'll probably die if nobody comes to rescue it. In Matthew 18 Jesus tells the parable about the lost sheep. The shepherd leaves the 99 and goes after the one that is lost. We are to be Jesus' hands and feet. Is there someone he's prompting you to go after?  You don't need to have answers, sometimes all you have to do is listen to someone who is hurting. And maybe cry with them.


Have you ever seen something more vulnerable and weak looking than a sheep that's just been sheared?

Don't show your weakness. Don't be vulnerable. Don't be a hot mess. That's what we tell ourselves, isn't it? Or even worse, it's what someone else tells us. So we slap on a happy face while our insides are shriveling up.


Now hear me on this: I don't believe you need to be vulnerable with everybody. The grocery store clerk? Probably not. Your waitress? She doesn't really have time. That random guy standing on the street corner? Uh, no.


But your friend who invites you over for breakfast?   Yes. Your pastor who sincerely cares about the welfare of your soul? Absolutely.   Your family who loves you deeply? Go right ahead.


Being vulnerable always carries the potential to be hurt and that is scary. But stuffing it and having your heart turn to stone is way worse. I watched this this morning and I couldn't say it better myself.


So, while hearts and lives are fragile, they were meant to be shared. Maybe you are in a season of brokenness, where you are the sharer. That is so difficult. But, please, find a safe someone to talk to.


Maybe you are in a season where you are privileged to hear someone's heart. See that for the blessing it is. What a gift to be trusted like that.


And no matter where today finds you, know this: you are deeply loved.


"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither hight nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The Fallout Continues

The consequences of yesterday's mistake are reaching into today.

When I checked on the puppies this morning, two more had died.  They seemed fine last night when I went to bed.  Breathing well, moving around, being adorable.

But something must have been wrong inside.

I am overwhelmed by the spiritual parallels in this sad puppy story.  I'm also very sad and tired.  I'll do my best to share what's on my heart.

Firstly, the consequences.  My mistake happened yesterday.  I can't even tell you how sorry I am.  How many tears I've cried.  If you might be offended by inappropriate language, please skip my next sentence.  Five puppies are now dead because of me and I feel like the world's biggest asshole.  

But being sorry doesn't change the fallout.  Nothing I can do can bring those puppies back.  All of our actions have consequences.  The words you say today to someone can stay burned on their heart for years.  The things you do today can follow you for a long time. 

"The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in 
Christ Jesus our Lord."  ~ Romans 6:23

Look at that.  The first part of that verse is so sobering.  Our sin brings death.  But, hallelujah!, there is a gift from God.  Eternal life through my sweet Jesus.  He can redeem even the messiest of situations.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." ~Psalm 103: 2-4

Secondly, what seems to be true vs. what is really happening.  Those puppies seemed fine last night but were dead by morning.  Something must have been wrong on the inside.  There are a lot of people walking around like that.  The outside is clean, nicely dressed, smiling.  But the inside is a mess.  I know, because I've been there.

Please, if that is you, find someone to be real with.  Someone who won't judge you, someone you trust with your heart, someone who will pray for you daily.  If you don't know anyone like that, come to me, please!  And, more importantly, take it to Jesus.  

This verse kept coming to mind this morning and I'm believing it with all my heart:  "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~ Psalm 34:18

We've all been there or will be there at some point.  This old world is full of heartache.  Let's be the compassionate arms of Jesus to each other.

Oh, no

I made a mistake today.   Chances are, you did too.

Did you run the coffee pot without putting grounds in?  Oops.

Did you forget to put mayo on your sandwich?  Dang it!

Did you forget about an appointment?  (I'm lookin' at you, Wanda)

If you only made a small mistake you probably didn't think twice about it.  I made a really big mistake.  And as a result we are down to 5 puppies.

I am a puppy killer.  I feel like I should wear a t-shirt printed with those words so that people can spit on me and push me down like I deserve.

Here's what happened:  Yesterday Larry moved the puppies out to the dog kennel.  They had been in the garage but Cici had started to get into things and I think Larry wanted his garage back.  Anyway, this morning when the sun was shining on them they were making lots of noise.  They seemed uncomfortable so I moved them and their baby pool into the shade.  After getting them situated we left to go swimming.  I thought I would be home before their shady spot turned into a sunny spot.

But I wasn't.  While I was living it up at the pond my puppies were at home getting hotter and hotter.

Larry got home before me and moved them back into the shade.  I went to check on them right away.  Two were unmoving.

If you had told me two weeks ago that I would shed tears over a puppy dying I probably would have laughed at you.  But, people, I watched all these puppies come into the world and it was amazing.  And now, because of me, two were gone. 

I sat in the dog kennel and sobbed.  And while I watched, another puppy breathed it's last.

There were waves of emotion.  So sad.  So angry.  So disappointed.

And the one that lingers:  guilt.  This was my fault.  If only I hadn't moved them in the first place.  If only I had come home sooner.  If only they were still in the garage.  If only, if only, if only...

But I can't rewind time.  What's done is done.  The best thing that can happen now is that I learn from my mistake.

This time around my mistake was not a sin and I'm thankful for that.  But I do make mistakes that are sins.  Chances are, you have too.

Did you share some information that was gossipy?

Did you spew some words that were hurtful to someone else?

Have you allowed pride to creep into your heart?

Jesus calls for us to repent.  He took all our ugly shame to the cross.  It was nailed there so that we can be free.  All we've got to do is ask.  

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."  ~ Isaiah 53:5

Summertime Sunday

So, what do bloody tampons (this is not TMI.  I promise.  I will explain in a few paragraphs.  Trust me.), hyperactive children, people I've been friends with for half my lifetime, and a house full of relatives have in common?

If you said they were all part of my day today you would be correct.

Let's dive right in with the bloody tampons, shall we?

I've been thinking a lot about religion this week.  It's not a word I like.  Another word I don't like?  Christian.  There are loads of people out there who would call themselves religious.  Also loads of people walk around calling themselves Christians.  But many of these same people are not Jesus followers.  They've got no relationship with him.  It's all rules and trying to be good enough to get into heaven.  Which is not how it works!  

I am saved by grace.  Can I get an 'AMEN'?

Which brings me to bloody tampons (you thought I forgot, right?).

Last night I started reading a book called "Jesus>Religion"  by Jefferson Bethke.  In the first chapter the author shares that one of his favorite verses is this one from the book of Isaiah: "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags."  He goes on to say that "...the Hebrew word for "filthy rags"  can be interpreted as "menstrual garments."  In that verse God says our good works are no better than a bloody tampon.  Next time you're in a public restroom and you see the waste can, feel free to remind yourself that's your righteousness apart from Jesus. (Gross, I know.)"

As soon as I read that I decided I love this book.  And I knew I would use that paragraph in the Sunday school class I was scheduled to teach today.

Every other month I get to teach the Jr. High girls.  I love these girls.  What I don't love is being locked into a curriculum.  I'd so much rather talk about what's on my heart.  So that's what I did.  We talked religion, relationship, idolatry, Jesus.  I got so passionate, I cried.  Our whole 45 minutes was definitely Spirit led.  I felt like I was glowing as I left our classroom.

Then I went to church and all hell broke loose.

It started out well.  The worship team was playing some AMAZING songs.  I love me a good worship set.  Love, love, love.  But then this son started kicking that son.  And that son tried to grab papers from the other son.  Someone called someone else a "baby".  Someone wanted me to hold them.  And I tried to sing "Be Thou My Vision" with a face that looked something like this:

That's my are-you-even-kidding-me-right-now? face.  I'm hoping it was scarier looking to the child that was seeing it in the moment.  Cuz right now I can't stop laughing at my own face.  I.Am.Ridiculous.

Anyway, the sermon started but our pew had the problem of NOBODY CAN WHISPER.  Or sit still.  Or stop touching me.  I may have prayed this prayer "Sweet Jesus, please help me or I am going to strangle all these kids right here in this church pew.  I'm not even kidding."

I'd love to tell you I ended up hearing a great sermon but that is not the case.  The sermon probably was great but I heard about 3% of it.

After leaving church with super high blood pressure, we were off to a cook-out with long time friends.  Where all the kids could blessedly be outside.  Away from me.  There were burgers, there was swimming, there was 4-wheeling, there was laughter, there was how-the-heck-do-we-parent-these-kids-well conversation.  It was absolutely lovely.  I wish I had photos to show you.

Then we went directly to my aunt and uncle's house for a welcome home party for my cousin who spent the last 5 months studying abroad in Italy.  My sons tried to have a wrestling match in the middle of the living room.  I put them outside.  And told them not to come back in.  Ugh.  There was buffalo dip, there were gorgeous photos of Italy to look at, there were stories to hear, there was laughter,  and it was loud.  I loved it.

But right now might be my favorite part of today.  Because I am alone, finally.  My hermity heart is grateful.  The patio door is open and I can hear summer's symphony.  I can feel myself breathe.  I can think back over the day and laugh at the rough parts.

Today was a good day.  Thank you, Jesus.