Waiting

It's hard, isn't it?  Waiting.  We live in a time of RIGHT NOW.

You want it?  Go get it!!

You don't have the money?  Charge it!!

What about the consequences tomorrow?  Who cares?  We might not have tomorrow!!

If it's delicious, eat it.  If it goes down smooth, drink it.  If it feels good, do it.  If you want it, get it.  Don't count the cost.  Don't think about the repercussions.  Instant gratification.

Today started out as a normal day.  Monday.  I love it.  No sarcasm, I really do!

Jesus Calling, coffee, sunrise, 1 son up before the sunrise.  Emails, facebook, wake the other kids.   Hugs, chores, breakfast.

TEARS

The crime: 

The perp: 

The victim: 

*I realize this would be more powerful if he was crying.  Use your imagination.*

This son spends hours  throwing football with his dad.  And he's good.  The most athletic of the 4 wild animals I gave birth to.  He was heartbroken to see his dog chewing his beloved football.  My big 8 year old cried.  It wasn't the annoying-get-over-it-already-it's-your-fault-for-leaving-it-out crying I can't stand and have no compassion for.  It was the snuffling-oh-he's-trying-really-hard-not-to-cry-but-he-can't-help-it crying that breaks this mother's heart.  

I wanted to fix it.  I knew I could fix it.  You see, there is a brand new football on my closet shelf waiting for Christmas morning.  The football we (and by "we" I mean Larry and the kids) use is old.  It doesn't hold air like it should.  And now it is chewed.

My mother's heart wanted to run upstairs, grab that brand-spanking-new football and stop the tears.  I would have done it too if it hadn't been for that still small voice I *sometimes* listen to.

"Wait."

Really, Lord?!  I've got a heartbroken boy here, I want to fix it.  NOW.

Oh.

Do I want my son to be like so many people I see today?

Credit cards maxed out.  House overflowing with too much stuff.  Children to different women.  Heart always yearning for MORE.

"That's quite a jump," you may say.  "Do you really think giving a new toy to stop tears leads to multiple sexual partners?"

Maybe not.  But if today I don't help my son learn to wait for what he wants, how will he know how to wait when he is a teenager?  An adult?

The things I am teaching my children today have a lasting impression on their future.

That thought brings me to me knees.  And well it should, because this is not something I can do in my own strength or wisdom.  It takes the Lord's strength and wisdom and that's what I ask for while I am on my knees.

So the football waits patiently on my closet shelf for Christmas.

And my son learns that "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

It's Friday!

Here's a quick funny to start your weekend :)

This morning was one of those rare mornings where I actually got up when my alarm went off.  Now, before you judge me, know this:  it's not like I'm lazing in bed until 8:00 or 9:00.  My alarm goes off at 5:00.  Generally I get up by 6:00.

                            *Ahem, now that I've justified myself, back to the story.*

Anyway, I got the coffee pot started and checked my email and facebook.  Returned an email to my Grandma and some other people.  Read two blog posts, a bunch of status updates, yada yada.  And the coffee pot happily gurgled and popped in the background.  

So after I was caught up on all the important social media stuff, I got up to pour myself some nice hot coffee.  I turned from the computer toward the coffee pot...and cracked up.  Turns out I didn't add any coffee grounds!  I wish I would have taken a picture to post here of my pot of...hot water.

Ok, blog post done, the real coffee is ready!  I hope you have a fabulous weekend filled with many cups of strong coffee.

Light

This is the morning view from my parent's front porch.  Stunning.  Awe inspiring.  Heart-stirring.

*side note:  see the tree in the right hand  corner?  when my family moved to this house that tree was a little stick.  i remember hauling 5 gallon buckets of water to it.  my other clear memory of this tree is backing into it in my husband's truck on my sister's wedding day.  good times.  now, back to your regularly scheduled blog post.

So, 3 pictures, all on different days, all equally amazing.  I'm glad my dad sees fit to take pictures of the sunrise and post them on Facebook so I can steal use them on my blog.  

I have an amazing view of the sunrise at my house too, I just have 0 pictures to prove it.  When I look out my front windows in the morning I can see the sun coming up over the hills.  It always makes me think of this verse: 

The painter of the morning sky is my help.  The one who creates beauty for all to see is the same one who is creating beauty in me.  

That's a great thought but I'm heading down a rabbit trail.  Back to sunrises...and sunsets.

Sunset photo credit to Karen Youndt

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.  Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.  There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.  Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." ~ Psalm 19:1-4

Seeing a sunrise or a sunset never ceases to invoke praise in my spirit.  So beautiful, so stirring, so only for this world. 

 Only for this world.  

This thought occurred to me recently.  The beauty of the sunrises and sunsets is only for now.  Not for heaven.  Not for eternity.  Revelation chapter 21 says "there will be no night there."  If there is no night, no darkness, there can be no beauty of the rising or setting sun.  Revelation also says "The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp."  So, no darkness and also...no sun.

At first I felt sad.  I love to see the crazy colors of the sun in the morning.  The vibrancy of the setting sun in the evening.  No more of that in heaven?  But wait!  "the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp"  

If God can make a burning ball of gas stir so many glorious thoughts in my soul, what will happen when I see Jesus face to face?  Instant tears prick my eyes as I consider that thought.  I can only imagine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEW_xenfaz0

Masks

Several thoughts occur to me at once as I look at this picture.

1.  I love that girl so much (it's my niece, Riley)

2.  She is super naughty

3.  I like my hair

4.  I have a lot of crows feet smile lines around my eyes

5.  I am good at wearing masks

This photo was taken the day that I posted that status about being a professional hermit.  My mind was an angry ocean of crashing waves full of thoughts of everything I needed to do.  My body was tense with being in a big crowd of people, most of whom I did not know.  And here it is, documented, that I was...smiling.  

Maybe it's because I knew my aunt was snapping the picture (shout out to Aunt Karen Youndt for photo credit!).  Or maybe it's because it's easier to lie about my well being with the expression on my face than it is to tell someone how I really truly feel.  Because that would be admitting that I don't have it all together.  That would make me look weak.  That would damage my pride.  Dang that pride.

Last winter I struggled against depression.  Not to the point that I felt I needed medicated (altho I certainly believe that has it's place!) but I knew I needed prayer.  The Lord ordained it so that after church, before Sunday School, during our coffee/fellowship time, I started talking with a woman I hold in the highest regard.  A woman so sweet she drips sugar wherever she goes. And not that fake kind of sweet like some people but real genuine, I-wanna-know-what's-going-on-with-you sweet.  A woman who hugs me each Sunday because one time we talked about how each of us has physical touch for our love language.  A woman with a southern accent (all you Weaverlanders know who she is now :) ), a contagious laugh, and a huge heart.

I shared my feelings of depression with her.  She cried with me and prayed for me.  In the weeks afterward I got a card from her in the mail and also several emails checking on how I was doing.  I felt so loved and blessed by this dear woman.  I would have forfeited those blessings if I'd kept my mask firmly in place and insisted I was fine.  

The moral of the story is this:  find somebody to drop your mask with.  Somebody you trust, somebody you know will love you no matter what, and, most importantly, somebody who will pray for you.

And for my closing thought:  I'm actually kind of happy for those crows feet smile lines.  Read this:  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2272240/Smile-Crows-feet-make-look-clever-attractive.html

I've been MIA from the blogosphere.  And I feel like my head is about to explode from all the thoughts trapped in there that haven't made it out into print.  Writing is so therapeutic for me!

So, the reason I have been missing is that I was just simply too busy.  Now, with a husband, 4 kids, a house, a job, church activities, extended family, and friends I am always busy.  But for 2 weeks I kicked it into high gear, thinking I could do more than I really could.  The result?  Burnout.  Stress.  A permanent furrow between my eyebrows (I think it's gone now).  I posted this as my facebook status: "i am seriously considering becoming a professional hermit." — feeling anti-social.   

I intended to make people laugh with that status but it was also the truth.  The same day I posted that I skipped girl's night.  If you know me well you know how big of a deal that is.  I didn't have plans.  I just wanted to be home.  

I didn't even want to go to church.  There are so many people there.  So much noise.  I wanted to be under a blanket on my couch with only my husband and kids around.  My energy was utterly depleted.  

I even cried on my way to work one day.  It's very rare for me to cry because of my own life circumstances.  You tell me something that's hard in your life and I'll bawl my eyes out.  But for myself?  Hardly ever.

In the midst of all this I heard my mom say to someone "Yeah, today she's not the super woman you read about on facebook!"  She was just joking around but, ouch!  my ego.  Excuse me while I go repair my pride.  Pride.  That's what it all comes down to.

Pride is my biggest sin, a major stumbling block in my life.  Why was my life so busy for those two weeks?  In my pride I thought I could handle it.  Why was I so stressed?  In my pride I thought I could handle it.  Why did I get burned out?  In my pride I thought I could handle it.  

Did you read anything of Jesus in that last paragraph?  Yeah, me neither.  Where my pride is, there is no room for HIM.  The Bible says "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me".   What if I would have taken time to pray and ask the Lord for his strength?  I feel certain my busy weeks would have looked vastly different.  And so I repent of my pride knowing Jesus washes away my sin with his blood.  My heart   cries the words of the old hymn "I need thee, oh I need thee.  Every hour I need thee."

Without Jesus, I am a burned out, stressed out, hollow shell of a girl with a permanent furrow between her eyes.  And no one wants that.

*If you don't know the hymn I mentioned above, watch this link.  If you do know the hymn I mentioned above, watch this link.  You won't be sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3wSbLa2uGg

On Sandwiches and Skipbo

Today I had lunch and played games with the most beautiful lady I know.  

While I was delivering soup and donut holes this morning I realized that it had been much too long since I had spent time with my Grandma.  So I called her up to see if she had lunch plans.  "Good morning," I said, "How are you?"  And she replied with one of the two sayings I knew she would use: "Well, I sat up and took nourishment this morning."  She followed these words with her infectious laugh and in my mind's eye I could see her twinkling naughty eyes.  Turns out she did much more than that.  She had volunteered at the store, been to the library, and was doing laundry and reading the paper.  

Jake and I finished our deliveries, picked up some sandwiches, and made the drive to Lititz.  Jake wanted his GG to pray over our lunch and she thanked Jesus for the fun surprises He sends and for the food.  We tried to chat between Jake's many words.  I asked about her recent knee surgery, she wanted to see my tattoo.  I told her about a friend who is struggling with her pregnancy and is on bed rest.  Jake wanted to know if GG had any friends.  We talked about my brother in Georgia and how he'd like me to bring some of Grandma's applesauce when I go to visit him.  Jake played with balloons and we played with cards.  It was a delightful way to spend a rainy fall afternoon.  We packed up, told GG we love her, gave her a hug, and left.

And as we drove away I struggled against tears.  Because life is uncertain and I don't know how many more visits I get with Grandma.  We're both getting older everyday.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  My heart was so full today as I looked across the table and saw my littlest man with the smooth skin of youth beside my beautiful grandma with the soft wrinkly skin that wisdom brings.  How wonderful that my children get to know my grandma.  This woman that has taught me so many things.  She taught me to love onions, chocolate cake with applesauce on top, and Jesus.  She taught me that ice cream is an acceptable breakfast food, it's funny to bring a plastic pile of fake dog poop to someone's house who has an indoor dog, and that you stand by your man even when times are hard.  She taught me sayings like 'on your feet, loose your seat', 'don't do anything I wouldn't do', and 'love you more!'.  She's shown me that having a sense of humor can take you a long way in life.  She's shown me that being on your knees is a beautiful posture.  She's shown me that as long as you are following after Jesus it's ok to break the rules of religion.

On the heels of my sad thoughts of someday being without her in this world came the amazing truth that the separation will be short.  She's been washed in the blood of Jesus and so have I which means we get to spend eternity together.  We might not know each other in a grandmother/granddaughter way but I believe my spirit will recognize hers and that is awesome!

Grandma, you are my hero, I want to be like you when I grow up, and I love you.

Words

I love words.  I always have and I always will.   I especially love written words.  Reading is my favorite way to relax.  Sunday afternoons you will most likely find me stretched out on the couch with a book.  I can lose myself in a fictional story for hours and it's wonderful!

But there are words I love even more.  Words that are more important.

(Once again, sorry about the sideways picture.  I just haven't taken the time to figure out how to turn it.)

Above is a photo of my Bible.  It is packed full of words.  Life giving words.  Check your attitude words.  I love you words.  The very word of God.  Too often I take it for granted.

My Bible also holds encouraging words that are not directly from God.  It's stuffed with notes and letters I've received over the past 18 years that have blessed me.  There's the letter of apology I received in junior high from the boy who was super mean to me and made me cry.  There's the note of encouragement from my youth pastor telling me what spiritual gifts he sees in me.  There's the full page handwritten letter from my boss thanking me for my friendship and my service to the restaurant.  And most recently added, there is the sheet of paper that is filled front and back with words from my friends.  Words that they asked God for.  Words that affirm my gifts and my callings.

It's Friday morning and I have a weekend challenge for you.  If you dare.  Take some time to ask God if he has a word for someone you love (or someone you don't love).  Take some time to write it down and mail it or hand deliver it.  Take some time to think about how blessed you would be to receive it.  Your words are so important, make sure they are worth speaking.