Masks

Several thoughts occur to me at once as I look at this picture.

1.  I love that girl so much (it's my niece, Riley)

2.  She is super naughty

3.  I like my hair

4.  I have a lot of crows feet smile lines around my eyes

5.  I am good at wearing masks

This photo was taken the day that I posted that status about being a professional hermit.  My mind was an angry ocean of crashing waves full of thoughts of everything I needed to do.  My body was tense with being in a big crowd of people, most of whom I did not know.  And here it is, documented, that I was...smiling.  

Maybe it's because I knew my aunt was snapping the picture (shout out to Aunt Karen Youndt for photo credit!).  Or maybe it's because it's easier to lie about my well being with the expression on my face than it is to tell someone how I really truly feel.  Because that would be admitting that I don't have it all together.  That would make me look weak.  That would damage my pride.  Dang that pride.

Last winter I struggled against depression.  Not to the point that I felt I needed medicated (altho I certainly believe that has it's place!) but I knew I needed prayer.  The Lord ordained it so that after church, before Sunday School, during our coffee/fellowship time, I started talking with a woman I hold in the highest regard.  A woman so sweet she drips sugar wherever she goes. And not that fake kind of sweet like some people but real genuine, I-wanna-know-what's-going-on-with-you sweet.  A woman who hugs me each Sunday because one time we talked about how each of us has physical touch for our love language.  A woman with a southern accent (all you Weaverlanders know who she is now :) ), a contagious laugh, and a huge heart.

I shared my feelings of depression with her.  She cried with me and prayed for me.  In the weeks afterward I got a card from her in the mail and also several emails checking on how I was doing.  I felt so loved and blessed by this dear woman.  I would have forfeited those blessings if I'd kept my mask firmly in place and insisted I was fine.  

The moral of the story is this:  find somebody to drop your mask with.  Somebody you trust, somebody you know will love you no matter what, and, most importantly, somebody who will pray for you.

And for my closing thought:  I'm actually kind of happy for those crows feet smile lines.  Read this:  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2272240/Smile-Crows-feet-make-look-clever-attractive.html

I've been MIA from the blogosphere.  And I feel like my head is about to explode from all the thoughts trapped in there that haven't made it out into print.  Writing is so therapeutic for me!

So, the reason I have been missing is that I was just simply too busy.  Now, with a husband, 4 kids, a house, a job, church activities, extended family, and friends I am always busy.  But for 2 weeks I kicked it into high gear, thinking I could do more than I really could.  The result?  Burnout.  Stress.  A permanent furrow between my eyebrows (I think it's gone now).  I posted this as my facebook status: "i am seriously considering becoming a professional hermit." — feeling anti-social.   

I intended to make people laugh with that status but it was also the truth.  The same day I posted that I skipped girl's night.  If you know me well you know how big of a deal that is.  I didn't have plans.  I just wanted to be home.  

I didn't even want to go to church.  There are so many people there.  So much noise.  I wanted to be under a blanket on my couch with only my husband and kids around.  My energy was utterly depleted.  

I even cried on my way to work one day.  It's very rare for me to cry because of my own life circumstances.  You tell me something that's hard in your life and I'll bawl my eyes out.  But for myself?  Hardly ever.

In the midst of all this I heard my mom say to someone "Yeah, today she's not the super woman you read about on facebook!"  She was just joking around but, ouch!  my ego.  Excuse me while I go repair my pride.  Pride.  That's what it all comes down to.

Pride is my biggest sin, a major stumbling block in my life.  Why was my life so busy for those two weeks?  In my pride I thought I could handle it.  Why was I so stressed?  In my pride I thought I could handle it.  Why did I get burned out?  In my pride I thought I could handle it.  

Did you read anything of Jesus in that last paragraph?  Yeah, me neither.  Where my pride is, there is no room for HIM.  The Bible says "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me".   What if I would have taken time to pray and ask the Lord for his strength?  I feel certain my busy weeks would have looked vastly different.  And so I repent of my pride knowing Jesus washes away my sin with his blood.  My heart   cries the words of the old hymn "I need thee, oh I need thee.  Every hour I need thee."

Without Jesus, I am a burned out, stressed out, hollow shell of a girl with a permanent furrow between her eyes.  And no one wants that.

*If you don't know the hymn I mentioned above, watch this link.  If you do know the hymn I mentioned above, watch this link.  You won't be sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3wSbLa2uGg

On Sandwiches and Skipbo

Today I had lunch and played games with the most beautiful lady I know.  

While I was delivering soup and donut holes this morning I realized that it had been much too long since I had spent time with my Grandma.  So I called her up to see if she had lunch plans.  "Good morning," I said, "How are you?"  And she replied with one of the two sayings I knew she would use: "Well, I sat up and took nourishment this morning."  She followed these words with her infectious laugh and in my mind's eye I could see her twinkling naughty eyes.  Turns out she did much more than that.  She had volunteered at the store, been to the library, and was doing laundry and reading the paper.  

Jake and I finished our deliveries, picked up some sandwiches, and made the drive to Lititz.  Jake wanted his GG to pray over our lunch and she thanked Jesus for the fun surprises He sends and for the food.  We tried to chat between Jake's many words.  I asked about her recent knee surgery, she wanted to see my tattoo.  I told her about a friend who is struggling with her pregnancy and is on bed rest.  Jake wanted to know if GG had any friends.  We talked about my brother in Georgia and how he'd like me to bring some of Grandma's applesauce when I go to visit him.  Jake played with balloons and we played with cards.  It was a delightful way to spend a rainy fall afternoon.  We packed up, told GG we love her, gave her a hug, and left.

And as we drove away I struggled against tears.  Because life is uncertain and I don't know how many more visits I get with Grandma.  We're both getting older everyday.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  My heart was so full today as I looked across the table and saw my littlest man with the smooth skin of youth beside my beautiful grandma with the soft wrinkly skin that wisdom brings.  How wonderful that my children get to know my grandma.  This woman that has taught me so many things.  She taught me to love onions, chocolate cake with applesauce on top, and Jesus.  She taught me that ice cream is an acceptable breakfast food, it's funny to bring a plastic pile of fake dog poop to someone's house who has an indoor dog, and that you stand by your man even when times are hard.  She taught me sayings like 'on your feet, loose your seat', 'don't do anything I wouldn't do', and 'love you more!'.  She's shown me that having a sense of humor can take you a long way in life.  She's shown me that being on your knees is a beautiful posture.  She's shown me that as long as you are following after Jesus it's ok to break the rules of religion.

On the heels of my sad thoughts of someday being without her in this world came the amazing truth that the separation will be short.  She's been washed in the blood of Jesus and so have I which means we get to spend eternity together.  We might not know each other in a grandmother/granddaughter way but I believe my spirit will recognize hers and that is awesome!

Grandma, you are my hero, I want to be like you when I grow up, and I love you.

Words

I love words.  I always have and I always will.   I especially love written words.  Reading is my favorite way to relax.  Sunday afternoons you will most likely find me stretched out on the couch with a book.  I can lose myself in a fictional story for hours and it's wonderful!

But there are words I love even more.  Words that are more important.

(Once again, sorry about the sideways picture.  I just haven't taken the time to figure out how to turn it.)

Above is a photo of my Bible.  It is packed full of words.  Life giving words.  Check your attitude words.  I love you words.  The very word of God.  Too often I take it for granted.

My Bible also holds encouraging words that are not directly from God.  It's stuffed with notes and letters I've received over the past 18 years that have blessed me.  There's the letter of apology I received in junior high from the boy who was super mean to me and made me cry.  There's the note of encouragement from my youth pastor telling me what spiritual gifts he sees in me.  There's the full page handwritten letter from my boss thanking me for my friendship and my service to the restaurant.  And most recently added, there is the sheet of paper that is filled front and back with words from my friends.  Words that they asked God for.  Words that affirm my gifts and my callings.

It's Friday morning and I have a weekend challenge for you.  If you dare.  Take some time to ask God if he has a word for someone you love (or someone you don't love).  Take some time to write it down and mail it or hand deliver it.  Take some time to think about how blessed you would be to receive it.  Your words are so important, make sure they are worth speaking.

Stillness

Yesterday morning I spent 30 minutes as a Human Being.  This morning I spent 20 minutes as a Human Being.

Now, I know what you are thinking "Isn't she always a human being?  She is so weird.  Why do I read her blog?"

Ok, maybe you are not so mean in your thoughts about me.  In fact, you are probably very nice in your thoughts but you are still wondering about the Human Being thing.  Let me invite you into the jumbled thoughts that are my brain. 

 I spend the majority of my time as a Human Doing.  If you are a mother, or you have a mother, or you ever observed a mother you know that there is a lot to Do.  The house doesn't clean itself, the food doesn't cook itself, the laundry doesn't wash itself (AH!  Laundry!  I need to throw some in, be right back).  Thank the good Lord for the invention of the washing machine!  Anyway, you get my point.  Everyday is filled to the edges and overflowing with things to DO.  And with the advent of Pinterest (which I love by the way) it's become apparent that there are a lot more things I could be doing!  

But what does the Word of God say?  My thoughts immediately go to the Proverbs 31 woman.  With whom I have a love/hate relationship.  I love her because I want to be her.  I hate her because I fall so short.  I want to make gagging faces behind her back.  I mean, come on!!  Did she never have PMS and eat chocolate all day?  Did she never get so tired of her children fighting that she screamed at them?  Did she never justify a day of laying on the couch reading a novel?  WAS SHE A REAL WOMAN?  If Proverbs 31 is based on a real woman, I believe (without a shadow of a doubt) that she had bad days.  She messed up.  She had limitations.  She struggled.  But she was a woman who feared the Lord.  "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;" ~Psalm 111:10a  To be a Proverbs 31 woman takes time. And let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start), with fearing the Lord.

How do we 'fear the Lord' and what does that even mean?  The word 'fear' has a negative connotation in my mind.   If I am fearful about something I worry about it.  I blow it out of proportion.  I don't like the feeling of fear.  Does God want me to feel this negative feeling about Him?  If you have a great insight on this I would love to hear it!  My thoughts are that the way this word 'fear' is used is something like awe, respect, and reverence rolled into one.  

And that feeling swept over me yesterday morning and this morning as I took the time to just be.  I'm not gonna lie, it was hard.  To just sit.  Now, doesn't that sound stupid?  But I think you get me.  I felt called to just sit on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot coffee laced with caramel, and watch the sunrise.  It was beautiful and magnificent and hard.  Because I was struggling to put out of my mind all the things that need doing today.  My desk was (and still is) piled with papers, the laundry basket overflowing, stuff needing packed for a weekend away, food to be made, kids who would soon be waking up demanding attention.  I struggled to put all that out of my mind and just be.  "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10  God spoke to me in the sunrise as I sat in my dark house listening only to the sounds of the refrigerator hum and ticking clock.  He painted love, joy, peace in hot pink, smoky purple, butter yellow, tangerine, and brilliant orange.  And I thought "Why doesn't the whole world stop for the sunrise?"  

So what I am desiring most in my life is balance.  Balance between the doing and the being.  We've got work to do and we are called to do it well ("So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Cor 10:31)  We were also made for stillness.  "In repentance and rest is your salvation."  Isaiah 30:15a

Can you trust Jesus, just for today, to show you when to do and when to simply be?  I hope you will.

Inked

This is the blog post I've been dying to publish.  Mostly because I love surprises.  But also because I love to do things that people don't expect me to do.  I'm not gonna lie, I really enjoy the wow-I-can't-believe-you-did-that look on people's faces.  Don't put me in a box!  Anyway, back to my surprise...

I GOT A TATTOO.

There it is, do you believe it?  I don't blame you if you don't.  My own mother didn't believe it.  She thought it was a stick on.  Maybe she'll believe it when she reads this post (whaddaya think now, mom?).  Here's how it came about:

Once upon a time (last summer) in a land far way (Hershey Park) a beautiful young damsel (me) noticed that 99% of the other inhabitants of the land had tattoos.  And she didn't want to be left out so she ran to the nearest tattoo parlor and got something slapped on.

The first sentence is true (except there was no official poll done to prove the accuracy of the statistic).  The second is not even close to truth.  Firstly, I (mostly) don't care what people think of me so I wouldn't get a tattoo just to fit in.  Secondly, I am wise enough to know that you don't get just anything tattooed on your body.  This is permanent, people!  And not cheap.  So don't do it just to do it.

After being at Hershey Park and seeing all those tattoos (some very cute and some VERY disturbing) the idea really started to grow on me.  I knew exactly what I wanted and where I wanted it.  In May I told Larry I would like a tattoo for my birthday which is in March.  I was looking for a shocked expression but in true Larry fashion there was little to no reaction.  This is what I got instead: "As long as you earn the extra money for it".  Um, ok, I'll do it then.  I set about putting a little cash back each week in my envelope marked "tattoo".   In June I asked my good friend, Rachael, if she would go with me.  I had no idea how to go about this and Rachael has a pretty little tattoo above her ankle.  And we share the same birthday so we really should celebrate together!  She was super excited and surprised (it made up for Larry's non-reaction).  I was so happy that she would come with me.  But a few weeks later I decided that March was taking too long to get here.  So I texted Rachael and asked if we could go for our half-birthday.  She was more than willing.

So on Sept 10 we drove into the city and walked into a building where we were extremely out of place.   But I left with what I wanted and was extremely pleased about it.  And Rachael left with the knowledge that I can really talk a lot if I have to :)

And now you are thinking, "What is it?  Stop blathering on and on and post a photo!"

There it is.  This word "redeemed" has been rolling around my heart for a very long time.  I think it is one of the loveliest words I know.  "For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect."  ~1 Peter 1:18-19  Jesus redeemed my life and yours by sacrificing his very own!  If that doesn't get you excited then you best be checking your pulse.  The only reason my life is worth anything is because Jesus washed over the ugliness of it with his blood.  I can't earn this redemption.  All I can do is accept the fact that I am a sinner saved by grace alone.  Jesus took the punishment that was meant for me so that I could be saved.  And he did it for you too.  Trust him with your life, let him wash you in his blood.  Sing with me at the top of your lungs "I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, filled with the Holy Ghost I am.  All my sins are washed away, I've been REDEEMED!!"

Getting in the Groove

I realized yesterday that it's been awhile since I wrote a blog post.  We've mainly been trying to get into this new school schedule groove.  It's taking longer than I want it to.  I like to blame it on the school schedule.  In the first 3 weeks of the school year there is no week that the kids go 5 days.  So it's not until the 4th week that it really feels real.  And I say 'Let's get on with it already!"

So while my big kids are gone during the day, here is a peak at some of what Jake and I have been doing.  (By the way, if any of you are looking for a hilarious conversationalist you can borrow Jake for the day.  But then I want him back.  He really is so funny!)

With Larry's awesome digging skills (I'm trying to encourage him. He said we're never planting potatoes again...) we picked this wheelbarrow full of potatoes.   It was like Christmas morning for Jake every time Larry turned over a shovelful of dirt. "OH!  'Nother 'tato!!".  It was super cute.  And who can resist laughing at this potato:

No caption is really needed.  If you don't get it I feel sorry for you.

We hosted the Lickity Split employee picnic at our house in August.  We cooked our supper in that big pot and then dumped it out on the table.  It was delish.  I'm not sure who ate the butt potato but it was in there :)  We played games until it was dark and then watched a movie outside.  It was a fabulous night with wonderful people.  Everyone hugged me before they left and I loved it.

Jake loves to mess up help in the kitchen!  Here we are making tomato juice with romas from our tomato plants.  We froze the juice to use in spaghetti sauce making which happened this week.  There are, sadly, no photos of that.  It was kind of a crazy day, right, Crysti?

We babysat this wild and crazy girl and I kept her alive the whole time!  If you don't know her, this is my niece, Riley.  Now, I know she is nuts because I have the privilege of spending time with her and I love her to death.  But I am not usually completely in charge of her, I am generally with her mother too.  Tiana likes to tell me that every day she keeps Riley alive is a miracle.  It's a true story.  Nothing major happened on the day I kept her except that she fell face first in the creek when we went to Boehringer's for lunch.  She didn't even care.  I was exhausted by the time we returned her to her rightful owners.

The most recent thing we've been up to is picking these gems from our garden!  This summer has gone so fast and I am mourning the ending of it but I really love fall and decorating for it.  I don't have pics yet but my porch looks awesome as of yesterday :)

I hope you've enjoyed this peak at my everyday life.  I like to say if my life was an ice cream flavor it would be 'vanilla'.  It's pretty plain but I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything.  And there are plenty of people I love who add a little nuttiness when plain vanilla gets too boring :)  

Grace and Peace to you all!