I didn't stand for worship today.

You see, my lap was full of my baby. 

My six year old baby.  Who just wanted to snuggle today for some reason.  He even asked me to stop singing so he could go to sleep.  So I held him and I rocked slowly from side to side and I let the salt water run down my face.

Maybe it was exhaustion.  Maybe it was hormones.  Maybe it was the Holy Spirit.

Whatever it was, I wanted to freeze time.  The moment was so incredibly precious that I didn't want it to end.  

I thought about this prayer I've been praying.  I've been asking God to help me be my best self.  This is not usually too difficult with my friends or my coworkers or my extended family.

 But the five people I live with?  Most of the time I feel like I'm giving them the leftovers.  It's like they are begging me for a freshly roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, and peas and I give them limp salad and week old soup.

I am so good at spreading myself paper thin, always adding one more thing.  Right now I'm staring down the barrel of an almost-brimming-over week.  It's gonna be a wild ride involving catering events, a Christmas open house, time with a beloved missionary friend, hosting two boys from Japan, and making Christmas cookies with my niece.

But Christmas cookies won't be all I'm making.  There will be memories being made as well.  And my attitudes, my words, my tone, my body language will help shape those memories into good ones or bad ones.

It's a lot of pressure.

My grandma told me recently that a promise she claims for herself comes from the book of Exodus and it says "your strength shall equal your days."  In other words, you can do it!

While I want to say it's not fair, the truth of the matter is this:  moms really set the majority of the house's mood.  That saying "if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy"?  It's fairly true.

So I can choose to gripe and complain that I shouldn't be responsible for how everyone else is doing (and of course I'm not completely responsible.  Everyone I live with has free will and can choose to work thru negative attitudes or to ride them out full force) OR I can count it a priviledge to set the tone.

I can choose to be on edge and snappy or I can choose to start my day by asking God to help me be my best self and then wait in expectation to see what happens, believing he'll come thru for me.

Part of being my best self is slowing down as much as possible.  In this week where most of the time it will be full steam ahead, I firmly believe that I can be a slow and deliberate noticer.  To keep my eyes open for small glimpses of glory.  To name the things I'm thankful for.

The taste of cranberry and cinnamon simmered together.

The squish of bread dough as I push and pull and roll.

The sky lighting with the promise of a new day.

The dance of the flame on my counter top.

In the hectic swirling there are so many ordinary holy moments if I will just keep my eyes open for them.

I felt a bit of despair this morning when I realized that I am learning the same lesson over and over again and again.  I'm 34 years old, shouldn't I know this by now?  That I need to slow.  That I need to be deliberate.  That I need to soak in the precious moments.  That time, well, time goes by super fast.

But the despair lifted when the thought came that each time I relearn this lesson, the slow and deliberate noticing lasts longer.  In my twenties I thought I knew how my life would always look.  It turns out that in my thirties I know (and embrace) that life is full of surprises.  In my twenties I wanted things to fit into nice little categories and boxes.  In my thirties I know that life is as messy as I am in the kitchen.  Joy and sorrow can happen in the same breath.  A serious conversation can be interrupted by a fleeting moment of silliness.  Things are not just happy or just sad or just disappointing or just exciting or just scared.  Everything is tainted with everything else which can be frustrating if you want the order and the boxes and the categories.  But if you learn (and relearn) to open your eyes to the swirling and the mixing and the blending you see a whole new kind of beauty.

In this crush of the holiday season let's keep our eyes peeled for wonder.  Let's be brave and say 'no' to some things.  Let's be brave and say 'yes' to other things.  Let's let the happy and the sad and the disappointing and the exciting and the scared mingle together.  Let's be people known for embracing the fleeting moments.