On Being a Mentally Ill, Introverted, Jesus-Follower

It's 5:00am and I am ready for today.  Not just figuratively.  I've literally showered, gotten dressed, had my coffee and quiet time.  See, here's the thing:  I hardly slept last night.  We're talking like two hours, max.

I don't mind.  I've had this debate with friends:  if you could choose between never having to sleep and never having to eat, which would you choose?  Let's face it, we spend a lot of time doing both.  And if you are the cook in your household you spend even more time on food.  If I never had to meal plan, grocery shop, prepare food, eat it, and then clean up?  Wow, I'd have a lot of spare time.

But that's not what I'd give up.  I'd take not ever having to sleep again, hands down.  I love all the hours in the day.  Ok, that's not quite the truth.  I love the early morning quiet as well as the midnight solitude.  Except if I try to enjoy both I end up being someone you don't want to be around.  Sleep deprivation does not make me a nice person.  I feel great right now but I'm banking on a nap after lunch so that my people don't want to run away from home.  Or spend time wishing I would.

Part of what I love about early morning is it's my best thinking time.  It's when I read books that require all of my concentration.  It's when I contemplate how I'm really doing: mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

And this morning what I realized is this:  I'm a mentally ill, introverted, Jesus-follower.  That description cracks me up!  And hopefully makes me relatable.

As far as my mental faculties go, I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  I blogged about it last year around this time.  

And I'll be honest, last year was worse.  It started earlier than usual (for me it usually starts around February.  Last year it started the beginning of December) and seemed more difficult than ever before.  I had never been officially diagnosed but always had that sneaking suspicion.  I actually went to the doctor last winter, confirmed that SAD was my problem, and started taking an anti-depressant.  

It made a world of difference for me.  I took the anti-depressant until mid-May when the world was once again overtaken by green growing things, abundant sunshine, and weather warm enough to have the windows and doors open.

Enter this year.  The weather had been super mild up thru Christmas.  Like, I wore flip flops and drove with my windows open on Christmas Eve.  Lovely.

And I've been eating waaayy better.  Mostly gluten and sugar free.  I say "mostly" cuz let's be real.  There's still some gluten and sugar sneaking in because they are delicious.  What's guacamole without super crunchy delicious pita chips?  Nothing, I tell you.  That's what.

Anyway, I've read some research about how gluten and sugar can be contributors to depression.  Also how healthy carbs (think quinoa, sweet potatoes, sprouted grains, fruit) can help increase serotonin levels giving you that "feel good" feeling (clearly I am slightly impaired from my lack of sleep.  '"feel good" feeling'?  Words are hard.)

So, the combination of warm weather deep into December + nourishing food has been good for me.  However, in the last week or two I've been noticing some things.  I'm really tired.  I'm not sleeping well.  I can't concentrate.  I feel overwhelmed.  All symptoms of SAD.

And then there's the socializing part.  I have a very difficult time trying to tell if my lack of desire to socialize is due to SAD or being an introvert. 

I've been working my way thru this book:

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain.

It.Is.Facinating.

There have been many "Ah-ha!" moments for me.  Moments where I am finally feeling validated about my behavior instead of wondering what's wrong with me.  Being an introvert is not a character flaw.  It's just how I'm wired and the world needs both introverts and extroverts.

We've just come thru The Blizzard of 2016.  The one we'll be talking about for winters to come.  Close to three feet of snow.

Everything was canceled, as you can imagine.  The biggest thing was our church's Ladies Retreat.  It's a weekend we spend at a nearby hotel.  We have a speaker who does four sessions.  We go shopping, stay up late, sit in the hot tub, eat delicious snacks, and laugh a lot.  I always enjoy it and I know if we would have had it this year I would have had a great time.

But guess what?  We canceled it and I wasn't sad.  Not even a little bit.  And I'm not sure if it's because of my introverted nature or my mental illness.

Can I tell you another secret?  If I've chosen you for a friend, I love you deeply.  But if you cancel our plans?  I'm super happy to stay at home.  This is especially true in the winter which leads me to believe it's a combo of my nature and my mental state.

I was texting with a good friend on Saturday in the midst of the blizzard.  We had very similar results when we compared our Myers-Briggs personality tests except for the fact that she is an extreme extrovert whereas I am an extreme introvert.  She started the conversation by asking if I'd ever read "Quiet" as she was in the midst of reading it.

I was able to put into words a vague notion that had been floating around in my brain.  I said this to her:

"One of my biggest struggles is knowing when to say no to something because it stresses me as an introvert vs. using introvertedness as an excuse...I don't want to be a person who misses out on what God has for me because I'm hiding behind introvertedness."

I want very much to lead a life that points to Jesus.  Out of these three things that I feel define me, I want the most obvious to be that I love Jesus.

Are you a mentally ill, introverted Jesus-follower?  If so, you are part of my tribe.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. 

In an e-mail.

Definitely not a phone call.

It you don't get that then you might not actually be a tribe member ;)