Again?!

Less than two months ago I blogged about missing a field trip with Son #2 because Jake threw up over night.  I said "I could choose to cry and complain and be sad.  And I'm not gonna lie, I did those 3 things."

I could write the same blog post again today. 

You see, for weeks Wanda and I have been planning to go to the beach for the day with our kids.  Two moms, nine kids (cuz Wanda was leaving one with a babysitter).

So.Excited.

I was up at 4:30, drinking my coffee in bed then showering then posting a picture of my beach reading material (clearly, you all need to know what I'm doing on the beach) then waking up kids.  When I woke Jake up he said "I don't feel really good."  I thought he just meant he was tired.  He climbed up in my bed and then said it again.  And then he gagged.  And I picked him up and ran to the bathroom where he threw up.

Turns out he had also thrown up overnight but didn't tell me.  So I also had a pile of hours old barf to clean out of his carpet.

Yippee.

I called Wanda and cried.  She was super sweet and assured me it's fine, we'll find another day to go.  Out loud I agreed but inside I threw a temper tantrum that would make any two year old proud.

NOOOOOO!!!!  I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH TODAY!!  I DON'T WANT TO STAY HOME WITH FOUR DISAPPOINTED KIDS.  I WANT WHAT I WANT.  THIS IS SO STUPID.  I AM ANGRY.  I HATE CRYING THESE STUPID ANGRY TEARS.

My internal temper tantrum may have also used some words that a two year old shouldn't know and that I won't write in this blog post.

Then I thought about all the things I could get done at home.  How I haven't been home enough.  How there are piles to sort thru.  How there are clothes to go thru.  How there are weeds to pull.  How there are rooms to clean.

Just like last time Jake was sick.

And so I thought, 'Am I so dumb and terrible at managing my time that God has to allow my poor little boy to be sick just so I slow down?'

That's an awful thought.  It comes with a huge dose of condemnation.  Surely there is something Jesus wants to teach me today.  But I don't think he wants me to beat myself up and wallow in thoughts of my stupidity.

Since I was already up, showered, and dressed I took my Bible and Jesus Calling out to the front porch.

So restful.  So beautiful.  So peaceful.  

The complete opposite of the churning grossness inside me.

I read today's Jesus Calling.  It was about fear.  It didn't really feel applicable so I read tomorrow's.

First line:  "Let Me help you get through this day."

Ok, Jesus, you've got my attention.

"You will get thru this day one way or the other.  One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet."

Nailed it.  That's exactly how I'm feeling.

"This will get you to the end of the day eventually, but there is a better way."

The two year old rears her ugly head.  "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BETTER WAY.  GEEZ.  I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH.  I WANNA GO RIGHT NOW.  THIS IS SOOOOO LAME."

"You can choose to walk with Me along the path of peace, leaning on Me as much as you need."

Will you carry me?  Kicking and screaming?

"There will be difficulties along the way, but you can face them confidently in My strength."

Ok, whatever.

"Thank me for each problem you encounter, and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings."

Arms crossed, eyes rolling.  FINE.

And then I read the scripture.  

1 Corinthians 10:10 "And do not grumble, as some of them did - and were killed by the destroying angel."

Instant laughter.  Ok, Jesus, you got me to smile!

While I'm not sure this verse was used in context, it sure got my attention.  I don't actually want to be a whiny temper tantrum throwing two year old.

This day is a gift.  It's not gonna go the way I thought it would.  I won't experience watching my kids play in the sand, chatting and laughing with Wanda,  hearing the peaceful ebb and flow of the waves.  I'm disappointed about that and that's ok.  It's ok to be disappointed.

But what matters is how I live today thru that disappointment.  

I can choose to moan and groan and drag my feet.

Or I can ask Jesus to help me think of some creative fun things to do with my kiddos at home.

Check on me at the end of the day to see what I came up with.

And to make sure the destroying angel didn't get me.