Unpopular

If, by my title, you think I am going to talk about my high school years you would be... wrong.  However, I could write a blog post by the same title about that subject.  But not today.

Today I am unpopular with a different crowd.  A shorter crowd.  A crowd of 4.

Let me rewind to this morning.  I found a stack of Bible verses glued to colored paper a few days ago.  I stuck them in a basket on my island.  Today they caught my eye and I read thru them.  One in particular stuck out to me so I taped it to my kitchen window.

Humble, gentle, patient, loving, united, peaceful.  I'd like my life to be marked by these words but too often the opposite words are true:  haughty, rough, impatient, spiteful, divided, warlike.  My heart can be a swampy mess.

Little did I know that in a few short hours I would be using this verse to train my kiddos.

On Tuesdays we have a standing invitation to go swimming at a friend's pond.  We usually end up going grocery shopping, to the library, and then swimming.  Because I'm green and I try to do all my errands on one day (wink).

Anyway, this morning there was a lot to do before we could leave the house so I wrote my kids a list.  I told them that they have the power to decide when we leave.  As soon as they accomplished the list we could be on our way.

I wish I had a video so you could hear what my house sounded like as they did the list.  Oh.My.Word.

The yelling.

The complaining.

The name calling.

The tattling.

I wanted to rip my hair out and knock their heads together.

But then I remembered the verse I had taped to the window and I had a moment of clarity and the Holy Spirit nudged me to use this verse to teach my children.

So, while I actually wanted to scream at them "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?  JUST SHUT UP AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!", I let them finish their list without any interfering and I prayed about the words I would say to them.

When they told me they were done I gathered them together and had one of them read the verse.  Then I asked them if they were gentle and patient with each other.

"No," says one of them.

I asked them if they were bearing with each other in love.

"I don't know what that means but I don't think we were," says the same child.

I asked them if they were united and peaceful while they worked.

"No," same kid again.

And then I made this unpopular statement:  "Because you guys were not gentle, patient, loving, united, or peaceful with each other we are going to skip swimming today.  You may not watch any movies or play any computer games.  You may not play with the neighbors.  You need practice being together learning how to treat each other the right way."

Ah, and then the fallout.  

"But we only fight when you make us do work!"

"But he wasn't doing what you said!"

"But it's not fair!"

But, But, But.  Listen, kids, I am unmoved by your "buts".

We still needed to go to the library because our books were due so they piled in the truck and we headed out.  One child was particularly sullen and said "I don't want to go in, can't we just return them in the book drop?"  To which other children said "No, we want to get more books."

I said we'd take a vote and majority wins.  3 to 1 they wanted to go into the library.  The 1 said, "Of course they voted against me, nobody likes me!"  I assured him that wasn't true and then a little voice popped up "Well, at least Brennan [our neighbor] likes you!"

Ha!  Hilarious, but not helpful, kid.

My friend with the pond also has chickens and I like to buy eggs from her.   Since we were already out we went to her house to get eggs.  As we pulled in, Jake, who really had no idea about what was going on, said "Oh no, I didn't bring my swimming suit!"

And a snarky voice says "JAKE!   Try to be smarter next time."

And I wanted to scream "GAH!  ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?!  HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?!  IT'S BECAUSE OF COMMENTS LIKE THAT THAT WE ARE NOT GOING SWIMMING!!!"

I managed to calmly say, "It's because of comments like that that we are not going swimming."

Some days I wonder if my kids will actually turn out to be decent adults.  The Bible says to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.

I'm trying, Jesus.

It's probably a good thing that babies are born without the ability to talk.  They are small and helpless and need you for everything.  While that can be difficult and frustrating some days it also creates a deep loving bond.  

Without that bond, on days like today, I'd put them all outside and change the locks.

Cole just came up from the basement to show me a lego airplane that Kye made for him.

There may be hope yet.

Saturday

Some Saturdays are normal.  You know, you sleep in (unless you have kids), you make bacon and eggs for breakfast, you do some laundry, maybe mow the yard, read a book or watch TV.  

This past Saturday was not like that at all.

First, I didn't make breakfast.  I think my people ate cold cereal.  Shudder.  I think I didn't eat.

Second, we did a color run!

If you looked at this picture correctly you will see that we have an extra person with us.  We have a Japanese girl, Nahiro, staying with us for two weeks.  We made invited her to do the color run with us too.  Because Americans are weirdos.

*Side note.  At the run two people told me how they read my blog and how they really like it.  I always get super awkward when people tell me things like this.  So, if I stuttered around and sounded like an imbecile, what I meant was "Thank you."

When we came home I could not find our dog.  Normally this would be cause for rejoicing, like maybe she ran away, woo-hoo!  it's my lucky day!!

Except she was expecting her first litter of puppies.  So I walked around the house calling for her.  Here is where I found her:

Yeah, she's under the AC unit.  Dug a nice big hole.  I know in my 11th hour of pregnancy it never crossed my mind to try to squish into a tiny space.  Dogs are weirdos.

We got Cici settled into a plastic kiddie pool in the garage.  The kids kept vigil (read: annoyed the heck out of the dog) all afternoon.

No puppies.

We had friends over for dinner.

No puppies.

I sent the kids to bed early because they were annoying the heck out of me.

No puppies.

But something was definitely happening.  So I sat in the garage with the dog and my phone.  Because waiting time is good texting time.

Cici paced.  In the pool, out of the pool.  Over to the door, back to me.  Whimpering a little.  And the panting.  Oh my, it was seriously hardcore.

Finally, at 9:17, the first puppy arrived.  I was grinning like a fool. I sent this text to Larry (who was watching TV):  "THERE ARE PUPPIES COMING OUT!!!!"  The response?  "K"

WHAT???

Then a few minutes later, "Am I supposed to come out?"

OH.MY.WORD.  Yes!!!

So, he comes out,  takes a look and says "Ok, I'm going back in".  I was flabbergasted.  "You mean you don't want to watch?"

"Not really," he says.

Um, ok then.  I don't get that at all but it's fine.  Larry goes back inside to the comfort of the couch and I continue to sit on the concrete and watch the little miracle taking place in front of me.

And text more people "THERE ARE PUPPIES COMING OUT!!!"

My sister says, "Catch them".  Gross.

I wait and wait.  Cici licks and licks.  After more than an hour goes by another puppy is born.  More foolish grinning.  Updated texts go out.

20 minutes later the third little black lab joins us.

Shortly after 11:00 my friend, Cameron, comes over to watch with me.  I run upstairs to tell Larry that Cameron is here and so are 3 puppies.  He says "Ok". 

I have married the most enthusiastic man on the face of the planet.  Whatever, I probably need balancing.

We watch and wait with Cici until 3:00am.  5 more puppies joim the first three.  It's messy.  It's gross.  It's disgusting.  It's AMAZING.

I couldn't have torn myself away.  I was enthralled by how God created these tiny puppies.  The little ears and claws got me the most.  Oh, and the tiny puppy sounds?  So precious.  And loud.

I was fascinated by how Cici knew what to do.  Nobody ever told her.  She didn't read any books on labor and delivery.  None of her friends let her know what happened during their birthing process.  She followed her God given instincts.

We could take a hint from Cici.  You know, when something just resonates with you?  That's the Holy Spirit.  Listen to his nudges.  He's our guide.  And if something doesn't make sense, ask him about it.  He won't be offended.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

July 23

This month is practically over and I've blogged 0 times about this month's 7 challenge.

Here's the naked truth:  I feel lazy.

I actually don't even want to write this blog post because I don't feel like explaining this month's challenge.  So, if you were looking for a fun, wordy post...look elsewhere.

This month was supposed to be focused on green living.  

Jen Hatmaker focused on these 7 habits for her 5th month:

Gardening

Composting

Conserving energy and water

Recycling

Driving only one car (what?!?!)

Shopping thrift and second hand

Buying only local

I do a lot of these things already but there is certainly room for improvement.  However, I apparently didn't feel like improving this month.  I am trying to decide if I should just say I took this month off and start the green challenge in August or just skip it all together.  Because I'm lazy.

Let's talk about gardening. 

 I am SO over it.  Yesterday a friend asked me if I was getting a lot out of my garden and I replied, "Not really, I didn't plant much this year.  And as far as I'm concerned what I did plant can just rot out there.  I'm sick of it."  

Except I still love looking at my plate of food and realizing that so much of it came out of the dirt I own.

I want the reward without the effort.  There's probably a spiritual truth in there.  I'll think about it later.

Composting:  We have a pile of food junk on the ground at the edge of our tree line.  It's not really a compost pile because we don't do it right.  It doesn't turn into wonderful dirt.  It just lays there like the pile of rot it is.

Conserving energy and water:  The energy part we are pretty good at.  We hardly use our air conditioning (because I like the windows open, not because I love the earth), we turn off lights in rooms we aren't using, we even turn off our hot water heater for most of the day.  But it's because we are cheap, not because we are environmentalists.  Then there is the water part.  Don't mess with my long hot shower.  The end.

Recycling:  We do the basics.  There is more we could do but I again present the evidence of laziness.

Driving only one car:  We can't do this because I have more excuses.  Excuse #1:  Larry is unwilling to ride his bike to work at 3:30am.  Excuse #2:  I am unwilling to ride bike anywhere with 4 kids and I'm surely not going to stay at home with the little monsters all day, every day until Larry gets home.  Judge me however you will.

Shopping thrift and second hand:  I am good at this.  Again, because of being cheap.

Buying only local:  I'm going to guess that half my purchases are made locally.  I should keep track so I know for sure, it would probably be eye-opening.  In my half-hearted (quarter-hearted?) attempt at this month, I've only been to Wal-Mart one time.  Save your applause for later, please.

So there you have it, the raw and gritty of this month.

I'm thinking I should start over again in August and put my heart into this month.  I really do think making an effort to be more green is important.  God created the world and all it's beauty for us, for me.  How can I be so cavalier about this amazing gift?

Jesus and Cake

Last week I blogged about heartache.  I cried the whole time I wrote it.  Crying is not one of my favorite things to do.  But I'm glad I did it.  From the comments and messages and conversations I've had since then, it sounds like my words resonated with a lot of people.  Because pain is universal.

Which brings me to Jesus and cake.

I know, I know.  My brain is like a tornado, all kinds of weird stuff whipping around together.  I'll try to make it make sense.

This week I baked a lovely chocolate layer cake.  It smelled so good while it was baking.  It rose beautifully and looked amazing in the pans.  I let it sit on the counter for 10 minutes to cool and then turned my pans upside down.  It then became apparent that I had made a mistake.  I had greased the pans but forgot to flour them.  My beautiful cakes came out with ragged and torn edges.

Sigh.

But no matter, they were going to get stacked on top of each other and icinged (side note:  spell check is telling me that "icinged" is not a word.  But you know what I mean, right?  I guess "frosted" would be more appropriate but I don't say "frosted" I say "icinged").  Nobody would even see the ragged and torn edges.

I then set about using the skills I learned at Pellman's to cover my chocolate cake with chocolate icing.  Because we all know that is the only kind of cake worth eating.  Unless it's chocolate cake with caramel icing.  Or mocha icing.  Or mint.  Let's not even pretend that white on white is a thing.  Because it shouldn't be.

Yeah, except I should have frozen my cake before icing it.  

Fresh cake + icing stiff enough to stay on the cake =

Oh, my heart.  

All my hard work, wreaked.  Shredded.  Destroyed.  Pulled apart.

Then I had an idea.  This cake is not very presentable but I knew a deeper truth:  it was still delicious.  So I turned it into this:

We now have a very fancy dessert called a trifle.  It still has layers like the original cake was going to have, they just look different.  It still is deliciously chocolaty.  Even more so with the addition of chocolate pudding (seriously, you can NEVER overdo the chocolate).  While the first intention for the cake was to serve 8 people, this trifle served 14 and there is still more waiting in the fridge.  This cake didn't turn out the way I thought it would.  It turned out...better.  All because of brokenness.

As I thought about this, Jesus whispered that there is a life lesson in the story of this cake.

Say what, Jesus?  You want to teach me about life with chocolate cake?  Anytime!  I'm all ears.

I think by now you know where I'm going with this.  Life is bumpy and sometimes filled with huge potholes and man-eating alligators.  There are days and weeks and months and even seasons where things aren't going the way we pictured.

The edges get ragged and torn.  Our hard work gets wreaked, shredded, destroyed, pulled apart.  Our hearts aren't very presentable.  But here's the deeper truth:  we are still of infinite value.

We still have our gifts, but maybe the way we will use them will look different then we originally thought.  We are still valuable, maybe even more so because of the trial we have walked thru.  While our first intention was to serve 8 people, we now get to serve 14+.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we think it will.  Sometimes it turns out...better.  All because of brokenness.

Ouch

Lately I've been thinking about pain a lot.  Not the ow-I-stubbed-my-toe-and-now-I-want-to-swear pain but emotional pain.

I am, admittedly, mostly untried in this area.  

I've never known the pain of parents divorcing (way to go, Mom and Dad!  34 years and going strong).

I've never known the pain of a boyfriend breaking up with me.

I've never known the pain of losing a loved one to an early unexpected death.

Well, that last one is not entirely true.

The worst emotional pain I've ever experienced was when I miscarried my first baby.  Close to Mother's day.  I'm not going to down play it, it was terrible.  This little person that I never got to hold in my arms, gone.  11 years later I am sitting here crying as I think about it.

But your pain is different than mine.  Perhaps you've never had a miscarriage but you've had other pain.

Divorce.

Infertility.

Break ups.

Losing loved ones.

Financial hardship.

Losing your job.

Cancer.

Abuse.

Sometimes life just straight up sucks.  And we're left holding the broken pieces of our dreams and wondering why and hoping that we will feel happiness again...someday.

And where is God in all of this?  

That's a question I wrestle with whenever I am brought to tears by someone else's pain.

Jesus, can't you just make it all better?

There is one thing I know for sure:  God is able to handle all of our emotions.  All you have to do is read the Psalms to know that God wants the real you.  From your joy to your despair, talk to Him about it.

"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting.  Let all the people say, "Amen!"  Praise the Lord."  ~Psalm 106:48

"The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.  So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed."  ~Psalm 143:3-4

If God didn't want to hear about it when you are in pain then I don't think he would have included verses like Psalm 143:3-4.  Maybe you don't feel you can talk about it with anyone else (altho I would encourage you to try!) but you can be raw and honest with God.

In the New Testament we read about Jesus weeping when his friend Lazarus died.  Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead and yet he still wept when he was told of Lazarus' death.  That blows my mind.   But maybe it shouldn't.  God is the creator of our emotions.  Shouldn't he be able to deeply feel the same things we do?

Ok, that just really blew my mind.

Maybe, just maybe, when I cry, Jesus cries.

If I have the gift of compassion and cry with other people when they hurt than doesn't it follow that the Author of compassion would cry with me when I hurt?

This is getting long and it's getting late and I don't want to get rambley.  

I think what I'm trying to say is this:  sometimes life is hard.  Don't be afraid to rawly tell God exactly how you feel, he knows anyway.  You can't fool him.  And don't be surprised when Jesus cries with you.  He loves you so much.  Trust him with your heart, he's the only one who can heal it.