Unsettled

This time of year as become synonymous with that word for me.  School starts tomorrow so our schedule (or lack thereof) is about to change drastically.  My work schedule will change as well.  The sun is setting earlier and coming up later.  I know the weather will change soon too.  And there are days (like yesterday and today) when all this change is just too much for this girl.  I want to freeze time.  I want things to stay the same.  I want to clutch, hold tight, stamp my feet and scream "NO!".  My babies are growing up and I know that is good and right but it's happening so fast.

And then there are days when it's not happening fast enough.  Days where I long for peace and quiet.  Days where I can't take any more whining.  Days when everything I get done gets undone.  I fantasize about when it will just be Larry and I again.  When we will actually be able to have a conversation while eating supper.  When we will be able to have a motorcycle again (SUPER excited for this one!).  When we will be able to travel.

How do you deal with all the unsettled thoughts?  Blogging helps me.  Crying seems to be a good release.  But the best?  Talking to Jesus.  He's whispered to me that all this unsettledness is to keep me uncomfortable.  Because this world is NOT my home.  Peter calls us "aliens and strangers in the world".  It's easy for me to lose my heavenly focus when everything is "normal".  It takes seasons of unsettledness to remember that my time on Earth is short.  What am I doing about it?  Am I following God's leading in my life?  Am I listening to the Holy Spirit when he suggests how to be a better wife, mother, friend, sister, or daughter?  Am I pointing people to Jesus?

Today I am choosing to embrace the unsettledness.  If it drives me to Jesus it is a good thing.  As much as I want to, I cannot handle life on my own.  I need HIM.  And you do too. 

Blessings

I wish I knew how to rotate photos on here.  Since I don't, just turn your head.

*See above.

*See above, above.

Early morning is my favorite.  Unless I spend it in bed.  The recipe for a stressful day is to stay in bed until my kids are awake.  This is what happened yesterday and I didn't like the end product.  I was stressed and snappy.  I didn't deal well with whining (there seemed to be an extra amount of that yesterday) and I felt overwhelmed and defeated.  I was the kind of person I hate to be around.  And maybe you noticed...you can't get away from yourself.  By the time Larry came home I was so ready to escape to work.  Except I didn't want to leave him.  I wanted us to run away together.  So there were tears as I gave quick instructions for supper, gave him a hug and kiss, and ran out the door to the truck he had left running.  Hurried.  Unrestful.  Without Peace.  The complete opposite of how I feel this morning.

Ah, this morning!  I woke up and swung out of bed *almost* right away.  Pants, sweatshirt, coffee, bible, porch, sunrise.  Six things to make the world a better place.  Seven if you add in 4 sleeping kids.  I opened 'Jesus Calling' and the first sentence was "Meet Me in early morning splendor."  Wow.  And the next "I eagerly await you here."  What?!  Jesus, who knows how ugly of a person I was yesterday still eagerly awaits me.  Excuse me while I clear my throat and wipe my eyes.    "In the stillness of this holy time with Me, I renew your strength and saturate you with Peace."  Yes, please, I need it.  

"I am not a dour God who discourages pleasure.  I delight in your enjoyment of everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable.  Think on these things, and My Light in you will shine brighter day by day."  Philippians 4 is packed full of awesomeness.

The photos at the beginning of this blog post are some of the things that I find lovely.  They draw me to the Creator.  And with my beginning thoughts of the day centered on Him I can tell it's going to be a great day!

Running (and other things I'm not good at)

1. Running (duh, it's in the title)
2. Talking to people I don't know (this depends on my social retardation level for the day)
3. Talking to people I do know (see above)
4. Hair, nails, makeup
5. Cleaning my house once a week
6. Keeping my garden weeded
7. Dancing (Go ahead and giggle at the mental picture of me dancing, i just did!)
8. Most things technology related
9. Spelling

This is just the short list of things I don't do well.  Now before you think I am down in the dumps and you think I think I can't do anything well:  here's a list of things I AM good at.

1. Cooking (if you know me well you are not surprised that this is at the top of my list!)
2. Hospitality (this doesn't seem to go hand in hand with numbers 2 & 3 in the first list but I think I may have split personalities)
3. Mothering (ok, there is a risk here of sounding like I have it all together.  I DO NOT.)
4. Writing
5. Speaking to large groups of people (also something that doesn't jive with numbers 2 & 3)
6. Singing (but you'd never know it 'cuz I get super nervous singing in front of people.)
7. Organization
8. Wearing big jewelry (I know I'm reaching here but I want my lists to be even!)
9. Laughing

So there you have it: 9 things I am not good at and 9 things I am good at.  But what I really want to focus on is running.

Running tops my list of things I am not good at.  Maybe that is because of all the things I listed, running is something I really want to be good at. 

 I have never been athletic.  In high school when we had to run the mile for gym class I could never do it.  I always ended up walking.  It wasn't until I was almost 30 years old that I ran my first continuous mile.  And what a feeling of euphoria I had after that!  When I started running I could only go .3 of a mile before I had to walk.  So a whole continuous mile felt amazing!  I slowly added more distance. 

 And I kept thinking, 'It HAS  to get easier'.  And some days were easier than others.  But it was always hard.  It still is.  I remember praying in the early days of my running, "Jesus, it will get easier, right?"  And in the quiet of my heart (I could still hear it over the gasping for air) I heard "Will you still run even if it doesn't?"  I had to think long and hard about the answer to that.  

By nature I am a perfectionist.  What this boils down to for me is if I can't do it right the first time, I don't want to do it.  I don't like feeling like a failure.  So if I can't do it right the first time...I don't do it.  In Hebrews 12:1 you can read the words "..and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  The author was not necessarily talking about physical running, but about living your life.  With perseverance.  Perseverance.  This means pressing on even if it's hard.  No whining.  No complaining.  Get up when you fall (and I have...twice :) ).  Keep going.  Pray your way thru.  Fix your eyes on Jesus.

 I recently watched someone run at the rec and it looked so effortless.  He looked as if he could run forever and never get tired.  Now, I know that is not the case.  The book of Isaiah says that "even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall."  But, wow!, to be able to run like that young man! 

I have dear friends and family members who have run half marathons and run them well.  13.1 miles.  HOLY COW!   I often struggle to run my whole measly 2 miles.  Wow, to be able to run like them! 

And then I remember: "Comparison is the thief of joy"  ~Theodore Roosevelt.  I believe those word to be true.  If I fix my eyes on the young man at the rec or my family and friends I feel like a failure.  But if I fix my eyes on Jesus and turn my heart toward what He has called me to do I can hold my head high.

For me running is a form of exercise and some time to myself.  But more importantly, God is using it to teach me life lessons.  And for that reason alone I will keep running!

So, if on any given afternoon you are driving thru Terre Hill, you may see me in my pink shorts chugging along.  I'm most likely listening to TobyMac, mentally writing my next blog post, and/or praying.  I might even be walking because sometimes it's just too hard.  But I'm learning perseverance and to fix my eyes on Jesus "the author and perfecter of my faith".  To Him be the glory in whatever I do whether I am good at it or not!

Into the Great Unknown

OK, maybe that's a bit of an extreme title.  I'm not leaving the country.  I'm not leaving the state.  Heck, I'm not even leaving my house.  I'm...starting a blog.  Something I know next to nothing about.  And yet, something I have a great desire to do.  Because life makes more sense when I write things down.  To Do lists, Grocery lists, Thoughts about Life.  I don't like clutter.  Around the house or inside my brain, it's all bad.  Writing is the mental equivalent to picking up around my home.  Ah, I feel better already!

And yet I don't.  The perfectionist inside me says "You don't know what you are doing with a blog!  You don't know how to use emoticons!  You are a bad speller!  You won't be able to post as often as you want to!  You don't know how to add photos!  You don't know what you are doing!  RETREAT!!!!"  It's time to tell the perfectionist to shut up.  Nothing is perfect this side of Heaven and my life would be a WHOLE LOT less stressful if I could let my expectations slip a little bit.  I can be my own worst enemy.

That being said, I am giving myself grace to learn about the whole blogging thing as I go.  If you choose to come along with me and read my ramblings, I hope you will too!  Expect to hear stories about my kids, my husband, my kitchen, and my Jesus.  I'd love to hear about your thoughts too, please comment!

Oh, and if you have any great blogging tips I'd be thrilled to hear those as well :)