It's Coming

The New Year.  It's almost here.  Can I tell you?

I love fresh beginnings. 

That brand new calendar with no scribbles on it?  Love.

Putting away the Christmas decorations and getting back to "normal"?  Love.

The motivation to do something new?  The idea that anything can happen this year?  Love.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions?  

Eat healthier/exercise more/lose weight?

Save a certain amount of money?

Start EVERY day with Jesus?

Organize all the cupboards/closets/drawers?

Learn to do something new?

I've been thinking about 2015 for the past couple of days.  And then yesterday in church we heard a sermon about the New Year.  And I talked with my Jr High girls about the New Year.

I've made one resolution.  Ready?

In 2015 I want to be below average.

That sentence makes me smile wide.  Maybe some of you already think I am below average!

Let me back up and explain my resolution to you.

The adult Sunday school class I belong to has been working our way thru 1 Timothy.  A few weeks ago we read a verse that has been sticking with me.  So I turned it into my Sunday school lesson for my Jr. High girls.  I told them that when something sticks with you or is repeated often, it's most likely that the Holy Spirit is trying to teach you something.  Two of the verses we talked about yesterday were repeats of something a few of the girls had heard the day before.  I LOVE when Jesus does that!

Anyway, the verse.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

Ok, technically that was verses.  1 Timothy 6:6-8 to be exact.  Contentment is the idea that I am fixated on.  I asked Google some questions yesterday morning to try to get a pulse on America's contentment level.  Here is what I googled:

1.  How much does the Average American (AA) spend on clothes in a year?

2.  How much does the AA woman spend on makeup in her lifetime?

3.  How many electronics does the AA household have?

4.  How many movies does the AA have?

Answers:

1.  The AA woman spends $2,000/year on clothes.

2.  The AA woman spends $15,000 on makeup in her lifetime.

3.  The AA household has 24 electronics

4.  I couldn't find a definitive answer for this one.  I found a website where people answered this question.  The answers ranged from 20 to 2,100.

There are probably more possessions I should have googled but my 6:30am brain couldn't think of any more.

Then I went a little deeper and asked google these questions:

1.  How many times has the AA been married?

2.  How many times does the AA move?

3.  How many times does the AA change jobs?

Answers:

1.  I couldn't find a number on this but I did find these statistics:  

     -2 divorces happen every minute

     -there are roughly 2.1 million marriages every year

     -there are roughly 877,000 divorces every year

2.  The AA moves 12 times for any of these reasons:

    -buying/renting a new residence

    -job opportunity

    -attending college

    -change in marital status

3.  The AA changes jobs every 4.4 years resulting in 15-20 jobs over the course of their working life.

Disclaimer:  I did not do a ton of research and I know that not everything you read on the Internet is true.  Some of these numbers may not be accurate.  But I think all you need to do is watch TV to come to the conclusion that Americans are restless.  We have an insatiable desire for more.  For the latest.  For the greatest.

It turns my stomach.  Especially when I see it in me.

Jesus says this:  "Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Paul says this:  "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Which brings me to my New Year's resolution.  To be below average.

I want to spend less money on myself than the Average American.

I want to own less possessions than the Average American.

I want to be married less times, move less times, change jobs less times.

Last night I read thru all my 2014 blog posts.  Do you remember when I was doing the "7" challenge?  I actually never finished.  I'm not sure that I will.  But it reminded me of how I love the idea of doing something extreme and against the current.  I've settled on an idea for 2015.

For the next year I am not going to buy any clothes for myself.  (Except maybe new undergarments cuz I should have bought those, like, yesterday.)

Ask me about it from time to time.  Because if reading thru my blogs has taught me anything, it's this; I am a rule breaking justifier.

What are you hoping for in the new year?  What changes do you want to see in your life?  What do you think will happen?

2015 will start on Thursday.  The year may hold great joy.  The year may hold great sorrow.  Probably some of both.  But one thing is certain:  The love of Jesus is unchanging.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."

No Ow

It's Christmas Eve Eve.  How are you feeling?

Stressed?

Blessed?

Hurried?

Worried?

Happy?

Sappy?

Mad?

Glad?

Sorry, enough with the rhyming.

The point is, there are a lot of ways to be feeling.

Some of us feel fantastic.  Some of us feel not so fantastic.  Some of us are swinging wildly between the two.

I'm finding myself in the third category.  If you've read my last couple of blog posts you might be suspecting that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  After a tiny bit of research I am starting to suspect the same.  

It basically boils down to this:  

sunshiny days = happy Tara

a few cloudy gray days in a row = depressed Tara

This month has had more than it's fair share of clouds.  And so I have had some rough days.  As much as I hate to admit it, the way I feel is directly linked to the sunshine.

And, believe me, I've talked to The Son about this.  Because I know that I need Him even more than I need the sun he created.

Sometimes, when the actual sun is not out, sunshine comes in the form of a person. Or people.

That's what happened for me on Friday.  I've got this lovely friend, Adrianne.  And this other lovely friend, Wanda.  Friday happened to be Adrianne's birthday and so Wanda and I had made plans to take her out to celebrate.

I didn't want to go.  I wanted to go home from work and lay on the couch and not talk to anyone.  But I couldn't back out.  And I'm so glad I didn't.  These girls were like sunshine to my soul.

We did a progressive dinner.  And laughed hysterically everywhere we went.  Our first stop was the Federal Taphouse for appetizers.

We have this other friend, Courtney.  Who lives in Oregon.  But we had a fourth chair so we pretended she was there with us.

You're looking at wings, french fries fried in duck fat (I didn't even know this was a thing.  Thanks for the tip, Mitchell), and a plate of breads and spreads.  We had happy taste buds.

We walked a few blocks to The Pressroom where we had dinner.  And worked on a plan to become food critics so we can eat lots of deliciousness and get paid for it.

I mostly forget what was on this pizza besides fresh rosemary and red onion.  It was awesome.  Just take my word for it.

We then moved on to the convention center.  There were reindeer right inside the door just begging to be kissed.

We took the elevator to the 19th floor where you can look out over the whole city.  It was beautiful.

Then we returned to the first floor and had dessert in The Penn Square grill.  I forget the exact name of this thing (maybe I wouldn't make a stellar food critic) but it had words like: apple, hot, glazed, cinnamon, honey, ice cream.  Yum.

Fast forward to today.  It's Christmas Eve Eve.  And it's cloudy.  

Again.

I read these words this morning from The Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp: 

"The wilderness offers you grace: we are most prepared for Christ, for Christmas, when we confess we are mostly not prepared...He comes for you in the wildernesses.  You are most prepared for Christmas when you are done trying to make your performance into the gift and instead revel in His presence as the Gift.  That is all there is left in these last days of the Advent road - the sacredness of His presence saturating everything."

Jake was singing a Christmas carol this morning.  He was singing The First Noel.  Except he doesn't know the word 'noel'.  And he interpreted it as two words.  "No ow."  

I'm longing for a Christmas with no ow.  All you have to do is turn on the news to know that many people are experiencing a Christmas with pain.

And maybe you aren't on the news but your Christmas season hasn't been all tinsel and eggnog.  There's broken relationships, broken dreams, broken down bodies.

Or maybe you are just simply missing the sun.

The good news is this:  there's ALWAYS the Son.  No matter what circumstances you face, Jesus doesn't leave.  Matthew tells us this: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him 'Immanuel' - which means, "God with us."

God. With us.

God.  With us.

It never fails to still me.  My breathing slows and my heart runs out my eyes.  Jesus has chosen to be with us.  With me.

Jake was singing another song.  One he made up.  The tune was unrecognizable but the words were powerful.

"Glory in the highest, He loves everyone."

Merry Christmas!

AHHHHH!!!!

Guess what's behind me on the counter?  Yup, the groceries.  Except I can't care about that right now.  

BECAUSE THE SUN IS SHINING SO I CANNOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

It came out on my way home from the grocery store.  I considered ditching my car so I could just stand outside but since I was only a mile from home I figured I'd be responsible, finish the drive, and THEN stand outside.

I got 3 texts within 5 minutes asking me if I was seeing the sun.  My sister-in-law, my mom, and a dear co-worker.  Thank you, Shandella, Mom, and Ashley for making sure I was seeing the light.

I stood in my backyard, face turned upward like a flower, eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, the gentle breeze blowing like the breath of Jesus.  Hallelujah, Glory!

And then the @#$% dog started barking and scared the crap out of me.

I took pictures of the sun shining on my floor and my porch.  I even took a selfie out on the porch:

I don't even think I can begin to explain to you how different the sun makes me feel.  So I'm not even gonna try.

I came inside and checked the internet.  One of you posted a picture of the sun breaking thru the clouds to my facebook wall.  One of you wrote a comment "The sun is out!"  One of you sent me a private message saying you see the sun along with a picture.  Thank you, Denise, Sarah, and Danielle.

One of you called me to make sure I was seeing the sun.  Thank you, Gina.

I feel completely loved and slightly giddy.

Also, I posted this photo this morning on Facebook:

My status said: "wearing this as a reminder on sunless day #10. there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. I'm grateful for my beautiful friend, Wanda at Pearls N Joy who made this ring. And i'm grateful for Ann Voskamp and her amazing book "one thousand gifts". And i'm grateful for Courtney who gave me Ann's book. You ladies bless my life"

You guys, ANN VOSKAMP 'LIKED' MY PHOTO.

My life is now complete.

I'm sorry for the drama, apparently the sun will do that to me.

Have an amazing, sun filled day!!

Chick-Fil-A and Tears

I should be sleeping.  I went to bed 45 minutes ago but just tossed and turned.  You see, I may have had a 1.5 hour nap just before going to bed.  Oops. 

I hate laying in bed not sleeping.  And so here I am, in my robe, in the dark, in the quiet.  I have words.

Today was the eighth day in a row with no sunshine.  Did you notice?  I feel it in my very marrow.  My husband made the comment yesterday that he thinks I am solar powered.  He was joking but there is truth in that statement.  My motivation level plummets with the lack of sunlight.  Small grievances are amplified.   I'd like to stay on the couch, under a blanket, and see NO ONE until the sun makes an appearance again.  But that's not possible.  Or healthy.

Today I did not see the sun.  But I was refreshed in a different way.

Larry took the day off work.  

It was so nice to have someone here to help bear the brunt of Monday morning.  Sometime I should count how many times the little people of this house say "Mom" in a single day.  I'm not even sure I could count that high.  On sunless day #8 hearing all the "mom"s puts me right over the edge.  But this morning when someone would say "mom" more often than not Larry would say "what?"

Be still my heart.

My sigh of relief at 7:37 when the kids went out the door was not quite as dramatic as sometimes because this morning was not quite as stressful.  Please don't hear me wrong, I love my kids.  Deeply.  But they sometimes make me crazy.  Especially when the sun won't shine.

Then there was the beautiful moment at 8:53 when we dropped Jake off at preschool.  We now had 2.5 KIDLESS HOURS.

Sweet Jesus, you are good to us.

2.5 hours where no one interrupted our conversation.  2.5 hours where no one asked for something to eat/what's for supper?/when are you going to the grocery store? (The food questions.  There are so many of them.  They make my ears bleed.)  2.5 hours where I didn't have to do anything for anyone.

I am good at taking care of people.  You need food?  I gotcha.  You need a hug?  Consider it done.  You can't find what you're looking for?  Moms know where everything is.

But right now I'm tired.  Honestly, it's most likely the lack of sun.  Or it could also be my superwoman complex.  You know, the one where I think I can be everything to everyone.

Here's a little secret:  I can't.  I can't be everything to everyone.  I even cried on Saturday.  Here's how the scene went down:

Jessie and I were getting ready to leave for a girls only lunch date. There had been bickering and fighting and complaining going on all morning.  Mostly because Larry and I are monsters who make our kids clean on Saturday mornings.  Anyway, all the noise can be hard to handle on a regular day but Saturday was day #6 of no sun.

So, as I hugged Larry goodbye, I felt that throat tightening, eyes burning sensation.  Crap, I hate crying.

"Will you pray for me?" my voice wobbled while my eyes ran.

"Sure," he said, "What's wrong?"

"Just pray that Jessie and I have a good time and that people start being nice to each other."

"Who's not being nice to each other?"

"Everyone in this house with a penis!"  Seriously, that's exactly what I said.  And Larry laughed.  Which is what I intended.  Because even when I'm crying I want to make people laugh.

But back to today.  And the 2.5 kidless hours with my husband.  They were amazing.  We didn't do anything spectacular.  We ran some errands.  We did some Christmas shopping.  We ate lunch at Chick-fil-a.  And I almost cried again.

I looked across the table at this man I've pledged my life to and I said "This has been the best morning I've had in a long time."  And because he is full of words he said, "Uh-huh".  But I think that meant he agreed with me.

After looking at the weather I am feeling pretty certain that tomorrow we are in for day #9 of no sun.  And I don't care how corny this sounds.  My time alone with Larry was my sunshine for today and the memory of it will help carry me thru tomorrow.  

There's another man who I lean on heavily in these sunless days.  His name is Jesus.  Spending time with him can bring me to tears as well.  There is no one who loves me like he does.  Thru all my ugliness and shortcomings he calls me "beloved".  I am overwhelmed and humbled when I think about the depth of his passion for me.  And the best part is, he feels it for you too.  No matter what you've done or said or thought.  Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.

I can't think of a better Christmas gift.

Sunday Stress

Have you ever had a Sunday where you sloshed your coffee on yourself 6 times by the time you got to your Sunday School class?  Or where your kids were so wiggly in the sanctuary you almost got up and moved to the empty pew in front of you?  Or where the sanctuary was so loud you didn't even try to hear the sermon?  Or where you got up to go to the bathroom and almost didn't come back in?  Or where your earrings kept sticking to your sweater and your hair wouldn't stay in place?

Have you ever had a Sunday where all you could think about was how your pants were too tight and your forehead was a train wreck of pimples, both evidence of ingesting too much sugar lately?  Or had someone stop you in the lobby, wanting to write you a check for the money they owe you but you can't stand being in church for one more second so you say "Just stick it in my mailbox!"?  Or where you came home and didn't put enough flour in the biscuits so they were super crumbly?  And you burned one pan? 

Have you ever had a Sunday where you thought your head might explode because of all the talking, fighting, whining?  Or where you set the timer for one hour and ordered firmly suggested that no one talk to you until the timer goes off?

You have?  Great, then you know exactly how I feel right now.

There are some days where you just have to throw up your hands and say "Jesus, I'm not enough for this day.  Help me!".

And you know?  In the midst of the chaos, the wiggling, the burned biscuits, the coffee stained clothes, He's there.  Are you looking for Him?

He met me in a few songs this morning.  The hauntingly beautiful melody and hope filled words of O Come, O Come Emmanuel always stir my soul.  Shine On Us and Jesus Be The Centre are the cry of my heart.

Jesus was there in the pat on the back from my husband and the sideways smile of a friend.  Both gestures said "We know you are close to losing it.  Hang in there.  You can do it!".

I couldn't help but smile as I watched one son drawing this picture or as I listened to one husband suggest the son add Christmas tree decorations.

When my Granmda's recipe box caught my eye I was reminded that she survived raising three boys without killing any of them and I felt hope.

Are you with me?  Are you looking for the gifts amid the chaos?  I'd love to hear what brought you joy today.

December

I have split personalities when it comes to this month.

First we have the warm-fuzzies-I-love-everything-about-Christmas-it's-so-cozy Tara.

Then we have the oh-my-goodness-just-make-it-all-go-away-I-hate-Christmas Tara.

Can you relate?   Or am I totally on my own?  Maybe I should explain some more.

I love making my home warm and inviting and festive feeling.

I love the Christmas specials on TV.  And Christmas movies.  And BOOKS.

Can we talk about The Best Christmas Pageant Ever for just a minute?  Sometimes thru out the year I tell my kids to stop acting like the Herdmans.  Then, at Christmas time, when I read it aloud to them I am instantly thankful that they aren't nearly as bad as the Herdmans.  Here are the first two sentences of the book incase you are not familiar with it:  "The Herdmans were absolutely the worst kids in the history of the world.  They lied and stole and smoked cigars (even the girls) and talked dirty and hit little kids and cussed their teachers and took the name of the Lord in vain and set fire to Fred Shoemaker's old broken-down toolhouse."

Whew.

I also love Christmas food.  Did you see that one coming?!

Ok, so almost all my food pictures are of desserts.  I'm sure I eat "real" food at Christmas time too.  Maybe.

And then there are my Christmas memories.  

I remember being in Grandma and Grandpa Leaman's cozy basement on Christmas day.  All our stockings, knitted by Grandma, hanging on their mantle.  I remember watching my Grandpa use a bellows with his coal stove, making sure we all stayed warm.  I can feel the warmth of the sun beating in thru the sliding glass doors to where we were all squished around the table.  I hear laughter as aunts visited and uncles played cards.

I remember gathering at Grandma and Grandpa Youndt's farm house every Christmas Eve.  Everyone carting in food and gifts and kids.  Cousins playing in the front room while aunts tried to make all the food fit on the table and uncles sat around telling stories.  Grandpa sitting on the couch with twinkling eyes, taking it all in.  Grandma laughing in the kitchen.  Noise and chaos and love.

Ahem, excuse me, my eyes are a little misty...

And now I'm the mom.  My parents and Larry's parents are the Grandmas and Grandpas.  And there is pressure.  Pressure to make everything perfect and memorable.  To buy the latest and greatest toys so the kids aren't disappointed.  The weeks are full of "shoulds".

I should be buying gifts.

I should be wrapping gifts.

I should be baking cookies.

I should be making some new and amazing dessert.

I should be making memorable meals.

I should be putting up more decorations.

I should be cleaning more.

I should be volunteering at school, at church, at a shelter.

I should be full of Christmas cheer ALWAYS.

It's enough to make me want to crawl under a pile of blankets and only emerge sometime in January.

But I can't do that.  And so sometimes I let myself become cynical about Christmas.  I hate all the commercialism.  I hate the pressure to always be "on".  I hate how I  feel bogged down with the "shoulds".  I hate how I feel inadequate when I hear what other families are doing this time of the year and it seems so much better than what we've got going on.

Here's the raw gut level truth:  I am not enough.

I can't do enough, say enough, be enough.

Here's the amazing grace filled truth:  Jesus is enough.

The times when I feel like I hate Christmas?  It's because I've got my eyes on the tinsel and the holly and not on the manger.  I lose my focus when I lose my wonder.

A quote was read at church on Sunday that went like this:  "Wonder is the basis of worship."

I can't stop thinking about it.

When I get cynical, my heart gets hard.  My words are unkind.  My thoughts are even worse.  No part of me is drawn by wonder.  No part of me is interested in worship.

Ah, but when my heart is soft?  When my eyes and ears are open to the wonder?  Worship flows.  I thank Jesus for the colors in the sunrise, the warmth of a hug, the pile of dirty dishes cuz it means my family is well fed.

I want to be drawn by wonder this Christmas.  I don't want to take my eyes off the manger.  I want to love and create and do and be out of the wonder I feel because of the birth of the tiny King.

What fills you with wonder?